'Schoolhouse Barack'

Remember Schoolhouse Rock, that civic-minded Saturday morning cartoon short from the 1970s? It’s time to update it for the Obama Era.

“I’m Just a Law”

LAW (singing): I’m just a law, yes I’m only a law,

And I don’t know why they passed me at all.

Cause — no — one — knows what is in me

No one’s read a darn word,

I was typed up last night

By a 20-year-old nerd,

But Pelosi twisted elbows all day.

How I hoped and prayed they would stall

But today, all in all, I’m a law.

BOY: Hello, Law, why so glum?

LAW: I’m two thousand pages long and no one’s even read me yet.

BOY: Then how did they pass you?

LAW: The Democrats used something called reconciliation.

BOY: Recon-what?

LAW: It means they can write any bill and pass it whenever they want. It’s against the rules.

BOY: That doesn’t sound very democratic.

LAW: Actually, it is! In a pure democracy, the majority rules.

BOY: But I thought we lived in a republic!

LAW: Me too, kid. Me too.

(singing) I’m just a law, yes I’m only a law,

And they don’t know what is in me at all.

Do — I — ban — incandescent light bulbs? Do I tax gasoline?

End health care as we know it, if you know what I mean?

Or maybe I just spend lots of dough,

Hey, you’ll never know, it’s too late

Because Nancy and Harry sealed your fate.

NANCY PELOSI: Hello, Law.

HARRY REID: Ready to reform health care?

BOY: Didn’t Congress already pass health care reform?

LAW: They did. But since the American people turned against it, they’re scared to bring the old bill up for a final vote.

PELOSI: I’m not scared. That’s just my eyebrows.

LAW (singing): I’ll be spreading the wealth, spending trillions on health,

I’m a single-payer system by stealth,

But — the — Republicans can’t stop me, even with Scotty Brown.

Obama said he’ll never let them vote my ass down.

I’m as popular as powdered anthrax,

Hey, they don’t mind the attacks,

‘Cause I’m one more excuse just to tax.

BOY: Look, it’s President Obama!

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Hello, Law. Pleased to meet you.

LAW: Wha — what are you gonna do with that pen?

OBAMA: Why, sign you, of course. Don’t worry, it won’t hurt — at first.

LAW: Oh, no!

PELOSI AND REID: Oh, yeah!

###

“Kill the Golden Goose”

BOY: Hey, Barry!

GIRL: What are you doing?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I’m making dinner for all of us! How would you like roast goose?

BOY: Mmmm!

GIRL: But where will we get it?

OBAMA: Look!

(He points to a golden goose in the distance).

OBAMA (singing): Let’s go kill the Golden Goose

It means more food for me and you,

Kill the Golden Goose today,

Before she runs away!

OBAMA: Look at those breasts and thighs and legs!

GIRL: But doesn’t she lay golden eggs?

OBAMA (singing): Yes, but you don’t understand.

There are hungry folks throughout the land!

They need the food, don’t make them beg!

It’s better than a dumb old egg.

BOY: I thought the eggs helped mom and dad.

OBAMA: Listen, my naive young lad. The goose was put on this earth to help people. If she just lays golden eggs, the only person she ever helps is her owner! But if we kill her, we can serve ALL Americans, not just the wealthy few.

(singing) What good is a lump of gold

When you’re starving, shivering in the cold?

So let’s go kill the Golden Goose

It means more food for me and you

Kill the Golden Goose today,

Before she runs away!

BOY: How did the goose get so fat?

OBAMA: Let me tell you a story. Long before you were born, a man named Ronald Reagan decided to feed the goose instead of the people. He wanted it to lay more eggs for its owners. He called it “trickle-down.”

BOY: That’s greedy.

GIRL: And unfair!

OBAMA: But we put a stop to that. Before we got here, geese ran wild. Now they’re regulated —

BOY: — like a child!

GIRL: Wait a minute — has PETA heard?

OBAMA: Yes, they can’t wait to axe THIS bird!

(singing) So let’s go kill the Golden Goose

It means more food for me and you

Kill the Golden Goose today,

Before she runs — uh oh!

(Taxpayers holding pitchforks appear).

TAXPAYER 1: All right, Barry, let her be.

TAXPAYER 2: It’s not your bird, it’s owned by me.

TAXPAYER 3: Without this goose, we’d all be poor.

OBAMA (shaking his fist): Next time your goose is cooked, for sure!

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Stay tuned for the next exciting episode of Schoolhouse Barack: “Cap’n Trade: Anti-Capitalist Pirate of the High Seas.”