I guess it was only a matter of time, but I’m still a little surprised at how quickly the left connected the dots. Always on guard against elaborate right-wing conspiracies, the brain trust over at Crooks and Liars needed just a few hours to uncover the truth
: that Breitbart organized the elaborate sting featuring actors posing as doctors to hand out fake ‘medical excuses’ for union protesters.
Even more impressive; they didn’t even get a copy of our internal memo on the operation. They just noted that Breitbart was in Madison and noted that conservative news outlets did the reporting of the ‘fake notes’ scandal. It was a brilliant piece of deduction.
So, it is probably only a matter of time before they learn the full truth. The doctor sting, in fact, was only an afterthought, dreamed up by our research lemur after a tequila binge with Retracto. It was profoundly simple too. The lemur pulled the whole thing off after only about 15 minutes on Gchat.
I’m coming clean: Breitbart staged the entire union protest in Madison. All of it. The Walker proposal, the union protest and the counter protest. Everything. Let me explain.
For the past couple of weeks, we’ve been trading coded messages with the Kochs, trying to find that final nail to put into the coffin of the middle class. (The exact code is a bit complicated, but it is based on the spacing of letters around certain phrases in Glenn Beck monologues. Think “cloward-piven” etc.) The orders from the Kochs finally came back, “take out public sector unions.”
We retired to the top floor of the gleaming Breitbart tower to plot strategy. I’m saving most of this for my book, but we ultimately settled on using the budget crisis to propose very small changes in public unions' compensation and then, this was the tricky part, getting the unions to so overact that they would lose all public sympathy.
“But, this isn’t some third-world banana republic,” I cautioned. “Its America, even public unions will realize the need for shared sacrifice to get out of this budget mess.”
There was silence for a while. Then, Andrew had another eureka moment, “We don’t use real union members. We’ll hire fake ones.”
“But, that would take, like, thousands of people to pull off,” I again cautioned.
Andrew shot back, “Have you seen the unemployment numbers.”
Once we realized we could just hire fake protesters, the ideas started flowing. “Really big puppets”, I threw out. “Interpretive dances,” thundered Stage Right. “No, I got it,” shrieked Dana, “have so many teachers call in sick that schools have to close. Parents will hate that shit.”
“Okay, but,” I said, “we still need someone to propose this. You know, a place with a legislature, where this proposal can actually be voted on. Which of the 49 states can we get to do this?”
Several minutes of silence broken again by Andrew, “Let’s just make up a state! I always thought there should be fifty. We’ll just convince people there’s a 50th state where this is happening. We can call it Wisconsin, in honor of our first Alpaca.”
Nolte chimed in, "Well, if its a fake state, we can even have Democrat legislators 'fleeing the state' so they don't have to vote. I know real legislators wouldn't do that...but if we are making it up its no-holds-bar. I know Hollywood, we can, like, so totally pull this off."
“Okay,” I said, “but that is some serious brainwashing we’re gonna need. Its one thing to say a guy in chinos is wearing a pimp costume. You’re talking about convincing people there is a whole new state. I don’t think even the Kochs and all their CGI studios can pull that off.”
“Right,” Andrew said. He turned and bellowed into his phone, "Get me the Hungarian.”
Of course, there is more to the story...especially the funny bit about how Trumpka almost blew the whole thing. But, as I said, I’m saving that for my book.