American Beat: Let's Get Physical -- or Not

In the parlance of their youth, it’s “mind blowing” how ex-hippies who couldn’t control themselves want to control everybody else, even in the area of physical fitness. Those afflicted with the logic see the inherent irony of the moderation-immune, self-medicating Baby Boom Lefties (hereinafter, “Babbles”) that irk us prescribing more government as the cure for what ails us. As is symptomatic of their history, however, they feel differently.

“Up in Smoke”

Like all youth, the Babbles took their health for granted; nevertheless, they distinguished themselves by the defiant fervor with which they defiled their physiques. After all, the Babbles coined the qualified admonition “don’t take the brown acid” and devised the “sit-in.” Sure, they got some cardio exercise by chanting, tripping, occupying campuses and being promiscuous; nonetheless, their preferred rush didn’t involve adrenaline. Suffice to say, the surviving Babbles’ “hope I die before I get old” attitude toward longevity went up in a puff of smoke once they got old.             

Tune In, Turn On and Drop Weight

After an “I’m okay, You’re okay” decade clearing their heads with therapy, TM and wife swapping, by the 1980s the Babbles ran like hell “from time’s winged chariot hurrying near.” European jogging shoes and unforgiveable athletic attire paraded upon America’s byways and gyms until, tragically, time’s winged chariot proved faster than anticipated. And this peripatetic fad faded with the sudden death of jogging guru Jim Fixx. 

Dialing it back, middle aging Babbles tuned their new VHS players into (Hanoi) Jane Fonda’s Workout. Less time-consuming and weather-dependent than running, aerobics with Barbarella suited the Babbles’ hectic peak earning years’ lifestyle and depleted the waning ranks of garish joggers faster than oncoming traffic. Yet this rage abated, too, about the time Ms. Fonda became Mrs. Turner and the cheeseburger-chomping Babble Bill Clinton became President; consequently, the Babbles were left to ponder how next to sculpt their themselves – and society.          

“Don’t Take the Brown Trans-Fats!”

Presently, the Babbles’ obsession with eternity has converged with their favorite pastime of exercising their will upon others. As befits the Babbles, the thought is simple: healthy people are happy people; ergo, the government must compel people to be healthy and happy. Hence, from trans-fats to cancer sticks, Americans are governmentally prevented from ingesting some things by ex-hippies who ingested everything. To glean the absurdity of the Babbles’ “health or else” policy, one need look no further than the current “medicinal marijuana” controversy, wherein the only thing deemed publicly permissible to smoke gets you stoned. Apparently in the Left’s “new normal,” you can be of sound mind or body – not both.   

Grandmother’s Little Helper

Charitably, let us note no generation likes to feel it failed to make a mark (in the Babbles’ case, somewhere other than their cultural diaper). Even in this light, though, the Babbles’ last gasp foray into the field of physical fitness is “far out,” as studies routinely show the aging Babbles are reverting back to their youthful form by exercising... their chance to do drugs. Therefore, I offer the following proposition: if they finally leave the rest of us alone, we’ll concede the Babbles are the first American generation to bookend its existence with bongs.

Now, with that off my sunken chest, where did I leave my Camel Lights and diet Mountain Dew? My “on demand” Physique by Keef started!

Thaddeus G. McCotter,
U.S. Representative (MI-11)


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