President Obama Announces A Clearance Sale

The President of the United States is apparently having a fire sale. The Obama / Biden campaign sent out an email on Saturday with a headline that any internet marketer would love, complete with stars and ALL CAPS.  The email subject line is “? Our biggest sale EVER ?” and it promises big big savings of 30% off of everything  (minimum order, $10) PLUS guaranteed delivery by election day at the “Last Call Sale.” 

But don’t order yet! The commander-in-chief will ALSO give you free shipping! That’s right, America; at these prices, you can’t afford to NOT support reckless, failed policies!

Just what manner of swag can one purchase to help support the current leader of the free world? Aside from the stanard items like yard signs, buttons and bumper stickers that you’d expect from any campaign, the Obama Store contains a few products that stand out. 

Every infant needs a My Two Dads Support Obama Baby Onsie because at that age, they are too young to ask to obvious biological question and thankfully, it’s a steal at half-off; only $10! Don’t worry, there’s one for Two Moms--and if you’re heterosexist, there’s of Onsies that show men & woman holding hands; only $65!

And in a merchandising move that is just begging for a long series of jokes, the Obama Store is selling a Obama Knit Dog Sweater. The description reads: "This adorable Obama dog sweater will keep your furry friend feeling cozy and looking stylish."

Because Obama is a man of the people, there’s also a Designer Store called Runaway To Win which features designs by top 1%er fashionistas like Vera Wang, Rachel Zoe, Ricky Martin. 

Much of the collection is already sold out, but the Diane von Furstenberg tote is still available. Apparently even a modified American flag with Obama’s name on the stripes, and hearts instead of stars, wasn’t anything that Obama supporters felt like toting around; it’s now marked down from $85 to the ultra bargain price of $25. 

Also getting into the hipster flag desecration theme is rap mogul P-Diddy / Puff Daddy / Sean “Puffy” Combs who has a T-Shirt that literally looks like a serial killer took a razor blade to a flag and then used it as a room divider. The most nihilist American flag you’ve ever seen is marked down to $35, though.

Operators are standing by. Everything must go! And hopefully that includes the Obama administration in just a few weeks. 


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