How to Survive Thanksgiving at Your Liberal Relatives

As a public service to our readers, and as a gesture towards civility in our national discourse, we offer the following how-to-guide for surviving Thanksgiving dinner at the home of your triumphant liberal relatives:

Arrival. “Your home looks lovely. Almost like it’s worth what you paid for it. Obama didn’t help with that yet, did he? Oh, well, maybe next term. May I use your bathroom?” 

In the unlikely event that your host’s home has appreciated in value, use this introduction instead: “Love what you’ve done with it. Better dump it before the new year, though, or you might face that new Obamacare tax.” (Wait until after dinner to make a lowball offer.) 

Greetings. “Oh, grandma, I’m so sorry about what Obama did to your Medicare. I tried to stop him.” 

“Little Johnny, all grown up. Still looking for a job? Oh. There’s always grad school, you know. I hear Obama will pay your student loans.” 

“Jane, you look amazing! I bet you’re the reason Obama promised free contraception.” 

“Hey, kids, let’s watch some football. Whatever team Obama picked, that’s the one that’s going to lose. Ask Detroit.”

Grace. “I’m thankful that the war on women is finally over, and you accepted a racist like me back into your midst.” 

“I’m thankful for Elizabeth Warren. Now that we have a Native American in the Senate, we can celebrate without feeling guilty anymore.” 

“I’d like to take a moment to remember those four brave Americans who lost their lives because of an anti-Islamic video.” 

“Blessed be Obama, from whom we enjoy this bountiful harvest.”

Meal. “No turkey for me, thanks. The poultry industry is a major contributor to global warming, and I can’t eat meat without thinking about how I caused Hurricane Sandy.” 

“I’m not having cranberry sauce, either. So many of our cranberries today are imported from Poland, and they supported Mitt Romney, you know.” 

“Have some more pumpkin pie, please. I promise not to tell Michelle Obama.” 

“What, no more Twinkies this year?” 

Departure. “I can’t believe it’s time to go already. Four hours and $600 million in national debt just flew by.” 

Gan en jie kuai le! That’s Happy Thanksgiving in Chinese. Might as well start learning.” 

“Why don’t you come to our place next year. Seeing as how your taxes are going up in a few weeks, it’s only fair.” 

“Sorry I parked you in. Oh, darn, I drove the Chevy Volt today. You wouldn’t have an extension cord, would you?” 


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