THIS JUST IN: January 20, 2008 -- On this historic occasion in American history, President Barack Obama, in addition to becoming the First Black President of the United States, has been declared the First Black Santa Claus. He will now be referred to as President St. Barackas. Attendant to that decree was a declaration that Christmas, more officially known as American Winter Barackas Solstice Earth Rejuvenation Day, (or A.W.B.S.E.R.D.), would now be a daily event rather than coming just once a year. (In a brief press conference following the Inauguration/Canonization, White House Chief-of-Staff Rahm Emanuel, when asked how every day could be a ‘winter’ holiday all year long, Mr. Emanuel stated simply, “Global warming.”)
The new President-Santa-Elect said in his rousing, yet tenderly touching inauguration speech that “Hope is alive in America”, this is the “change we need”, and also “Yes I can!” -- which was met with a stirring and tearful ovation.
The always effusive and emotional Oprah Winfrey was quoted as saying to the huge crowd afterward, “I…I’ve never been so filled with joy in my entire life.
I’m going to give everyone here a new car.
From… the national treasury!”
Newly appointed Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was immediately heard by aids stammering, “Uhhh…it’s…we shouldn’t….uhhhhh…” and was quickly hustled away by the secret service for protective debriefing and re-education.
Among the key points in President St. Barackas’ inauguration speech was his promise to retire the national debt by a single-stroke Executive Order fiat. “Today…the national debt is over. Gone. Yes I can.” The crowd was exultant in tearful ovation which lasted twenty minutes. Hundreds fainted. When order was finally restored and paramedics had extricated the unconscious to receive medical attention, President St. Barackas went on to say that “As of this great historic day, now all nations, both foreign and domestic, from this day forward, respect us once again. And they like us. They really, really like us.”
This caused such sobbing and wailing in the estimated thirty million in attendance that helicopters dropped aid packages containing oxygen tanks, water, kool-aid, Zone bars, and signed copies of The Audacity of Hope, by Barack Obama. (In a tragic side-note – fourteen people and three dogs were killed when the oxygen tanks and personally-autographed books fell onto their heads.)
Three hours later, the President-Claus resumed his speech with his moving statement, “and I will restore the American dream for you today…and I hope you all believe that yes we can bring the change we need yes, yes we can!” Which started a chant of “Yes we can!” that lasted well into the night. When handsome President Barackas continued seven hours later, he told the euphoric crowd that …”Starting tomorrow, all personal debts, home mortgages, and car loans would be forgiven and nullified – for everyone making under $80,000. In addition, as a part of my three gazillion dollar stimulus plan, I will give each of you working families out there (whether you have jobs or not, whether you have kids or not) one hundred thousand dollars – as long as you spend it within three days and don’t save any of it. Oh, yes! Yes we can!”
The crowd erupted into such a swooning ovation/riot that the National Guard had to be called in with tear gas and batons to beat the rioters senseful. (Many of the injured were later spotted, battered and bloodied, staggering up Constitution Avenue muttering to themselves seditious words like “Gilder…Friedman…free markets…” but were later rounded up by authorities and sequestered for debriefing and re-education.)
Though President St. Barackas’ inaugural speech was interrupted by the celebration/riot, according to transcripts the President-Claus would have, had he been able to finish his speech, gone on to say that “…any wealthy, greedy non-working-family (whether or not they have jobs or kids) earning over $80,000 per year would be required to step up and fund the program. Those not wishing to exert their full patriotism in these historic times to avert our economic and global warming crisis by contributing ninety-percent of their yearly income would be invited to spend a required six-month lockdown tenure at one of the thousands of soon-to-be-built Debriefing and Re-Education Awareness Development centers, nationwide (D.R.E.A.D.). The President would have gone on to praise the emergency stimulus plan titled the Wealth Recycling and Economic Contribution Kickback program, (W.R.E.C.K.), saying that “this is the change we need.”
An emotional highlight of the Inaugural Ball occurred when Barbra Streisand tearfully cupped the President-Claus’s cheeks in her trembling hands and sang to him the newly rewritten spiritual hymn, “Amazing Face”. And to cap the festivities off, Bono and U2 lead the U2SC marching band down Pennsylvania Avenue in a spirited goose-stepping rendition of Achtung Baby, Love and Peace or Else.
The Coast Guard flew in an emergency resupply of Kleenex, and fears were circulated early the following day that the tremendous amount of added saline emission into the atmosphere from the tears could possibly hasten global warming; but that further research would be needed to study the crisis.
Former Vice President Al Gore was unavailable for comment.