The Newsrape Emails - #1

My Dear Scudworm -

Congratulations on the fine work you did with the recent Hollywood hoopla thing. What are those golden statues called again...Arthurs? Oscars? Ollivers? No matter. The fine art of idolatry is becoming your forte, my dear nephew. With the powers of a willing media and the brilliance of commercialism prevalent, it's no wonder the masses turn to your town for direction and meaning. I chuckle with delight to see how real meaning and substance is more and more becoming passé, and overlooked for the sizzle and bling of the ephemeral. You make your uncle proud to see that you are once again the year's big producer for thirty years running...and gaining even more new customers every month.



Your work on the special interest groups is particularly impressive. You are keenly aware that, pound for pound of effort, this is where we gain the most purchase in our clawing scramble over the human psyche. Continue to stress their inherent oppression and victimization, so that our aims may be met. Nothing makes a poor soul feel more empowered than believing itself to be a part of a large, aggrieved and neglected group. Build on their individual sense of outrage and anger, along with their helpless sense of futility. Remind them that they are being victimized, and must demand their rights! I know you are laughing right now, as am I. But drive the seriousness of their indignant and violated pride, and demand restitution for the wrongs perpetrated upon them. (As for the specific nature of these ‘wrongs', either real or imagined, simply fill in the blank; a group is a group, and we can use any and all of them for our purposes.) And good that you can work the golden idols into so many hands that help legitimize our work. That Penn character is an excellent poster boy. In fact, increase the irreverence, step up the hatred of our Enemy and brighten the public celebration of him, as his flippant outrageousness masquerades as gravitas. We can trade on his magnetic popularity, and draw the proverbial moth to the flame. Continue your brilliant work in framing his disrespect and hatred of Judeo-Christian ethics and traditional values as hip and ‘progressive'.

I'm laughing again too, my dear nephew, as one muses upon what it is exactly that they are progressing towards. I join you in salivating over the exquisite moment of discovery as the poor scums awaken to the wretched fate that awaits them.

In fact, I must commend you in the highest for your skillful sleight-of-hand with regards to the English language. The catch-phrase taken to high art. Love those words, and all like it: Hope...Change...Believe....that you have artfully injected into the American lexicon. And my favorite, ‘Economic Justice'. Oh, my heart swells with pride over the millions of souls now residing with us, all brought in with that simple, sweet fabrication. Your dazzling virtuosity at somehow applying honor and dignity to a base concept previously held by murderers and highwaymen has enthralled all of us on the Lower Council. You've done your uncle proud. Keep it up, as it affects my reputation if you falter. And trust me, you wouldn't want that.

At the endless award shows in your town, I commend you that fewer and fewer award winners are thanking the Enemy for their success. Your relentless work at making that whole thing appear as a ‘fad' is paying off. Fads come into fashion, and they leave just as quickly. Religion as a fad is one of our greatest tricks, and you seem to be a master at the joystick.

So kudo's on your work in Hollywood. And even better, your push on bringing Islam to popularity amongst the minorities is noteworthy. This is where you should throw most of your energies, as this movement has the greatest possibility of bearing much fruit in the near term. Placing it on a parity with Christianity is brilliant; as to the latter, we must be stalwart and obsessive in our drive to make it seem like ‘just another religion'...and it's center point as ‘just another great prophet'. Remove the deity and relegate him to just another man with some pretty good ideas. Like Buddha, and Mohammad and Gandhi and Moses. I like your innovation in that Kabbalah thing, and the celebrities' devotion and publicizing. Let it be seen as the ‘fun' religion, like (as one comedienne was quoted) a cross between Judaism...and magic!

And Scientology...well done! However I fear you've let that fall into disrepute of late. Watch that, as it had been rendering wonderful results. I would pump up its respectability and emphasize the powerful successes of human achievement and empowerment. (I mean, it has Cruise and Travolta, how bad could it be?)

Continue to frame Muslims worldwide as victims, and let that drive their noble respectability. See how they suffer, and yet their devotion allows them to struggle onward. Pump the ‘unity' factor to appeal to more Blacks in America. Bring Farrakhan back into prominence; see if you can get that new president to hasten that. Pull in some favors in the Hollywood community; you know Oprah's good for it.



In Hollywood, continue to slam the image of our Enemy. His forbearance must be taken as weakness and ineffectuality. Even better, as a sign that He isn't there at all. A ghost, a phantom, just some dreamed-up apparition of fantasy. This is our ultimate hope - actualizing a prevalent accepted belief that both His world...and ours...are merely childish inventions of superstitious mystics and cretins; and have no place in the evolved ‘progressive' world of material technology.

Our master's flag is firmly planted atop the American media. With our endless cultural seductions, and our more than willing political and media accomplices, we will drive the Enemy out of that country and out of the world. Soon it won't even be a memory...but a bad joke. A punch line. Like saying grace before a meal, or a nighttime prayer, the practitioners of such practices will be seen as demented...weak...deluded. Simpletons who shun reality for fruitless conversations with their invisible and ‘imaginary friend'. Run this theme around Hollywood enough and it will be the subject of the next Academy-Awarded film.

But most importantly, my dear nephew, congratulations on the wonderful work you are doing in the hearts of the filmmakers themselves. The themes they are aggrandizing are truly inspired. Infidelity, murder, incest...yes, all good themes, and our ‘marquis players'...but the new ones you are instilling - masterful. Child rape. Torture and sadism. Psychological torment beyond my wildest dreams! Oh, nephew, you should see your proud uncle beaming at your inventive resourcefulness. Our little creatures celebrate such fare with nearly the same gushing gusto as we do. Little do they know by repeatedly immersing themselves into the Great Darkness they grow closer and closer to it, to us...and eventually are absorbed by it. Oh! My heart sings for their painful future...and my laughter is gurgling up from my bowels, as I contemplate our inevitable union and the surprised looks on their poor pathetic little faces as it's all over and they realize that their new home for eternity...is with us in the Great Black Void.

Sorry for the delay in sending this, but I was so overcome with rapture that I had to lie down for several days just to calm myself. But now I'm back, and I must tell you something sincerely...

Your mighty work, done in the interstitial spaces of time and matter, or what the little creatures call ‘the spiritual realm'... is indeed becoming epic. The inroads you are carving into the society of creatures are staggering. And you make it seems so easy! The so called ‘pop culture' is literally dismantling all the horrid goodness the Enemy has constructed almost faster than we can keep up to facilitate it! It's like a runaway train on steroids! Oh the utter sad and sick, demented joy of it, my nephew...

I have heard that you are in line for promotion to the Supreme Sepulcher of Elders; for the rumors are that the things you are accomplishing down here in the movie capitol of the world...are the things of legend. Our Dark Father has hinted at great things to come for you...and more importantly, for me. For you wouldn't be where you are if it wasn't for my urging and discipling and counseling. So don't think for one second that you will descend without me, you ungrateful bastard, or I'll cut off your pathetic little...

Dear me, I apologize, I get so worked up when I muse about such things. I have the utmost confidence you'll take my best interests to heart, my dear nephew.

Or else.

Your affectionate uncle, NEWSRAPE

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