Homophobic Environmentalists Want to Stop Gay Birds

So according to scientists, pollution is turning birds gay. Yep, increased exposure to mercury (a bad chemical, apparently) can steer the sexual preference of some birds toward their own sex. The birds studied - male white ibises - tend to pair with other male ibises after nibbling mercury found in the environment.

The researcher's conclusion: That while this doesn't mean mercury can make humans gay, there are enough reasons "why cleaning up the environment for birds also reduces risk for humans."


So let me get this straight (no pun): are the researchers suggesting that if we don't clean up the environment, birds will turn gay? If so, this implies that preventing gay birds is an incentive to going green.

Now, isn't this homophobic? I mean, who's to say gay birds are any less valuable than straight ones? If anything, having gay birds around can only mean one thing: fabulous nests. And that can only drive up real estate prices in your neighborhood.

But regardless, here you have environmental science slamming head first into a politically correct cul de sac. You can't say pollution is bad, because it causes homosexuality. Because homosexuality, isn't bad. In a way, this study seems to be telling me that pollution is, like, totally awesome! And simply by discarding mercury thermometers into rivers and streams, we will help create a more cosmopolitan wetlands.

Can't hurt. Have you seen a wetlands lately? Frankly, they could use makeover.

And if you disagree with me, you're a racist homophobic ornithophobe.

Tonight's guests:

Kimberly Guilfoyle!

John Devore

Newcomer, and comedian, Wali Collins!

Catch me on O'Reilly tonight!

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