Sucker Punch Squad: 'Good Christian Bitches' Pilot Script Bigoted Against Christians

Coming soon to a television near you? Good Christian Belles, which was originally titled Good Christian Bitches. Although not guaranteed a slot on the ABC lineup, the original title caused an uproar, which may account for the title change. Regardless, the content of the pilot script (which I have read) should be enough to make those of us who are tired of liberal Hollywood using Christianity as a punching bag to stay away from a show that reminds one of Desperate Housewives with a religious, er, twist.



The plot revolves around the recently widowed (and beautiful) Amanda Vaughn, whose husband Bill died in a car crash. Just about everything the couple owns has been seized by federal marshals because the recently deceased Bill was indicted in a Ponzi scheme, leaving his wife and teenaged children (Will and Sara) with little choice but to pack up what’s left and leave California for Amanda’s native Texas – Dallas, to be precise – and move in with Amanda’s mother Gigi until Amanda can find a job and support herself and the kids.

Amanda not only has to cope with the shame surrounding Bill’s death and helping her children transition, but moving back to her hometown. As daughter Sara discovers one of Amanda’s old high school yearbooks at Gigi’s (who does not want her grandchildren to call her Grandma), it prompts a discussion of Amanda’s past as a popular cheerleader who wasn’t above being a manipulative bitch to get what she wanted. Not proud of her past, Amanda is determined to make a fresh start. Too bad some of the girls she grew up with aren’t willing to let bygones be bygones.



Darlene Cockburn, Cricket Caruth and Sharon Pevy are gleefully plotting their revenge, which is 20 years overdue. Darlene is the former ugly duckling who is now a miracle of plastic surgery. Cricket’s looks have also improved since her high school days (and she isn’t above giving her daughter breast implants for her 16th birthday), but Sharon has gone from being a svelte beauty queen to a woman who has to wear queen-sized panty hose. She even defends herself when gobbling food that she’s supposed to be putting into baskets for charity by saying she’s testing the food before giving it away. All three women are regular churchgoers who go to Bible study and wrap their revengeful plans and general – well, bitchiness and cattiness – in a false robe of godliness. I guess having one's bikini area waxed in the shape of a cross and having Bible verses etched on one’s car has to count for something.

Amanda’s first trial comes the first Sunday she’s in town, when Gigi forces her and the kids to go to church. Amanda’s argument against it is that she and her husband didn’t raise Will and Sara with any particular religion, figuring they could find their own spirituality. (Cue liberal soundtrack.) But Gigi tells her daughter that while they live under her roof, they follow her rules, which include church every Sunday. This is where Amanda meets up with her former classmates for the first time in two decades. Darlene begins the assault by “praying” for Amanda during the service, using the parable of the prodigal son and saying that it’s not their place to judge others’ lack of morality. Afterward, during the coffee hour, the only person who is genuinely kind to Amanda is Heather Sappington, who has become very successful in real estate. She admits that life is still like high school, only with more money and power behind the petty machinations. Men are still very much hot for Amanda, even though she doesn’t do anything to attract their attention. This does not go unnoticed by her foes. And as Amanda leaves church, she comes to the realization that she’s back in Dallas so she can atone for her past sins.

It’s a hard slog. Just when Amanda thinks she’s found a job, she loses it due to Cricket’s behind-the-scenes machinations. Her daughter Sara makes friends quickly, but doesn’t realize that she’s just being pumped for information by Cricket’s daughter Alexandra. Son Will has more difficulty fitting in, getting into a fight on his first day at school. And suddenly Amanda finds she has a secret admirer, who sends her a new Mercedes and an entire household worth of goods from a local department store. To top it all off, Sharon’s husband Zack catches Amanda off guard and forces a kiss on her when Amanda goes to his car dealership to find out who bought her the car that she doesn’t want – a kiss seen by Darlene, who is torn about whether to tell Sharon about it.

There’s a lot more – all of it somewhat nauseating. At the end of the pilot, Amanda manages to turn the tables on her foes, which gives the viewer the promise of more estrogen-fueled, sex-infused catfights to come in future episodes. Will America embrace Good Christian Belles in same way they embraced Desperate Housewives? No idea - new shows are always a gamble, no matter what the plot line. But the anti-Christian tone in this one is more than obvious. The main characters are all portrayed as a bunch of grasping, grabbing women who claim to follow the word of the Lord but live the life of the sinner. Are there real people like that? Sure. But hypocrites and immoral people come in all shapes and sizes. They certainly aren't all Christians.

Notice, too, the location: Dallas, Texas. Sure, it's a big city, but Texas is deep in the heart of red state flyover country. Can you imagine Good Christian Belles being set in, say, New York City or Los Angeles?

Now, if Hollywood were to play equal opportunity offender and create a television show called Good Muslim Bitches, or Belles, or whatever, that showed Muslim women as a bunch of grasping, grabbing women who use their religion as a convenient shield, then perhaps I wouldn’t be so quick to complain about Good Christian Belles. But unlike Christians, Southerners, gun owners and fat people, Muslims are a protected minority.

Besides, Christians don't issue fatwas when their religion is insulted - they organize boycotts and write letters to the editor.

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