Beyonce Loses Hair Extensions in Brush with Fan
Situation Room visitor, White House frequenter, and object of Michelle Obama idolatry Queen Bey/Beyoncé/Mrs. Carter of the Mrs. Carter Show Tour got her coif caught in a fan. Not a fan-fan like a stage fan, but one of those used to blow around J. Lo’s or Beyoncé’s flowing locks in order to make them look like they’re able to maintain the glamour edge in the midst of a 100 mph hurricane gale.
Reminiscent of the late Michael Jackson’s hair catching fire during the taping of a Pepsi commercial, Beyoncé, Pepsi’s newest spokesperson, had her hair entangled in the fan blades mid-song while she was performing her hit Halo. Bey should be thanking God that she wasn’t wearing that anatomically correct outfit that she dons during the concert because there might have been something besides her hair that needed to be cut loose.
Fresh off joining another guy known for his famous hair, the Rev. Al Sharpton, at the ‘Justice 4 Trayvon’ rally at One Penn Plaza in New York City, Beyoncé was in Montreal when the calamitous fan attack occurred.
Ever the consummate professional, she continued to sing while her hair was stuck in the fan, proving to America that having the constrictive presence of President Barack Obama twisting us into contorted positions is not a good reason to use pain as an excuse to stop moving FORWARD.
As Beyoncé tried in vain to release her tresses from the grip of the overzealous machine, an attentive servant, er, crew member grabbed a pair of scissors and cut Beyoncé’s Virgin Remy Malaysian hair extensions from the blades. To be truthful, the fan was just minding its own business when it was accosted by Queen Bey’s lion’s mane and then falsely accused of tangling up the pop star’s blonde mop in its whirling blades.
After the show, famous letter-writer Beyoncé posted an expressive explanation in longhand for her audience to read, explaining that during the song when she sang “Halo, ooh ooh, oh,” the wince on her face had nothing to do with the “…ooh ooh, oh” part and everything to do with having her extensions nearly torn from her scalp while attempting to look ultra-cool at Montreal’s Bell Center.
Displaying a creative mix of upper and lower case lettering as well as an overabundance of the letter “i,” the paraphrase of the song Halo read: “Gravity can’t begiiiiiiiin to pull me out of the fan again. I felt my hair was YANKIIIIIIIIN, from the fan that’s always hatiiiiiiiin, Virgin Remy & “Malay SIIIIIIAAAAAAN, HAAAAAAAAA!!”
Beyoncé summed up the note by saying: “I got snatched…‘2 snaps’” and ended with “Goodnight All, B.”
Lesson to be gleaned from the weave assault? In the future, Beyoncé should attempt to keep all hair extension-flicking to an absolute minimum, especially when sitting in front of a fan. However, in the worst case scenario, if it’s so important to have a wind machine in close proximity for effect while singing Halo, maybe Beyoncé should consider a hairdo like the one she wore in Cuba, or perhaps a protective Halo Helmet to go with that golden-breasted spacesuit she insists on wearing.