Congress Circles the Drain

Well here we are in the middle of the worst economy in almost a century, wars on two fronts, and a monster oil spill turning our southern coast into asphalt. And what is Congress busy on? Solving gender discrimination in restrooms.

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Last month, the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee held hearings on the Restroom Gender Parity in Federal Buildings Act (H.R. 4869). If ever there has been an argument against a full time legislature, this was it; apparently our Legislature has far too much time to kill.

It comes as no surprise to anyone who has ever seen the line outside the women’s room at a sporting event, or waited in a movie lobby with the other guys: women take longer in the restroom than men.

Rep. Elijah Cummings claimed that women are treated as second-class citizens. In the facilities I’ve seen, that is clearly it is not the case. Women’s facilities are always better. (Do women think we have sports bars in there?) Sometimes we don’t even have “toilets” just a wall with a drain at the bottom.

To hear some of America’s brightest minds discuss the situation you would think it’s a patriarchal plot to hold women down, by refusing to install adequate facilities in Federal buildings. That way when important bills are being voted on, women legislators would be waiting in line at the restrooms.

You can’t get men to hang out in bathrooms. There are certain places men just don’t like to linger: restrooms, malls, and screenings of Sex in the City. Part of this has to do with simple biology. Whereas lower animals use scent to mark their territory, civilized men have evolved with the ability to write their name in the snow.

Critics claim that restrooms are one of the few remaining segregated spaces in the American landscape. Well, yeah. In deference to Brown v. Board of Education, I think that separate is the only way things can be equal. You young feminists, just wait until you start sharing share a stall wall with the fellas (and you thought Larry Craig had a wide stance).

And while we’re at it, what are we going to do about the handicap segregation? Am I the only non-disabled American who prefers the handicap stall? I think that we should also be provided with the full sized comfort, that today is only available to the disabled

It’s not really the lack of facilities; it’s the time it takes women. We can’t make women stand up, so lets force men to sit down. We can put alarms on the toilets, so if a man attempts to assert his dominance over the porcelain, a Federal agent can be alerted to the crime. That way we’ll be the nation of sitzpinklers the radical Feminists envisioned long ago.

Some things will never be equal, like love of car crashes, appetite for chili fries, or attendance to the Women’s NBA. We don’t wait in line for the restroom; you get to wear halter-tops.

It all works out in the end.

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