Who Put the Prozac in the Coffee Party Convention?

Remember the Coffee Party? Yeah, me neither.

But don’t worry. You haven’t missed your chance to hang with some of the mellowest, most laid-back-est, nicest political activists who ever strummed an E-A-B chord progression on the old six-string or crooned “The Answer Is Blowin’ in the Wind” around a Duraflame 20″ electric fireplace.

That’s because the Coffee Party–all twelve or so of its lukewarm membership–is convening this weekend in Louisville, Kentucky. Let your eyes gently glaze over as you listen to Michael Brook’s soothing acoustic guitar accompanying the YouTube ad for the upcoming Brew-haha in Louisville:

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Stirring stuff, that. And hey, a Transpartisan Dialogue? Where do I sign up?

Park has all the makings of a wonderful fifth-grade history teacher: the mellifluous voice, the velvet delivery, and most of all, the miraculous ability to transform mere words into verbal tofu–utterly resistible, unsatisfying morsels devoid of all flavor and nourishment.

We’re an alternative to the Tea Party and we want to see cooperation among people in Congress and in Government. And we want to see people who are representing us move toward solutions to the problems instead of strategically obstructing any form of progress….We object to obstructionism and extreme political tactics.

If this is what her rhetoric sounds like, I’d sure hate to try her coffee.

Apparently Kumbaya-seeking Park doesn’t comprehend that some things–oh, like socialized medicine, for instance–are worth obstructing and that usually in order to stop “soft” tyrants from implementing their soft tyranny, extreme political tactics are necessary.

Nevertheless, when I was not nodding off to Annabel’s schoolmarm lullaby or dreamily reminiscing about the unrequited crush I had on my seventh-grade science teacher, I did detect a veiled charge of–you guessed it–racism against the Coffee Party’s nemesis and raison d’etre, the Tea Party.

We really have a collection of people who value diversity, are diverse. And we’re completely comfortable with the changing demographics of our country. I think that it’s human for people to be nervous about the changes in their neighborhood and in demographics of this country.

Don’t expect the pussyfooting Park to play the race card overtly of course–she’s too dainty for that. But make no mistake–it’s been played, once again, albeit gingerly this time. The Coffee Party is diverse. The Tea Party is a bunch of crazies worried about who moved in four houses down the block.

A quick visit to the Coffee Party’s website yields a treasure trove of meaningless jargon. Here are a few of my favorites:

1. The Coffee Party’s long-term focus is to develop, replicate, and sustain an effective method of engagement. [Whoever can translate that into English, please contact the U.N. immediately. I hear they’re looking for interpreters.]
2. Yes, we are non-partisan, but being non-partisan does not mean we will not take positions. [That’s like saying just because I’m not pregnant doesn’t mean I can’t give birth.]
3. We are a spontaneous and collective expression of our desire to forge a culture of civic engagement that is solution-oriented, not blame-oriented. [I’m still trying to decipher numbers 1 and 2.]

Oddly, the more I perused the Coffee Party’s “About Us” page on its website, the less I understood what the Coffee Party was about. Perhaps the site could use an “About the About Us” page. After studying its documentation, I have no clue what this organization stands for, other than a vaguely inexplicable need to react against the Tea Party. Oh, yeah, and to assert ad nauseam how diverse it is.

If Annabel Park has any entrepreneurial spirit in her at all, she should resign from the Coffee Party immediately and open up P.A.P.–the Park Academy of Palaver–for would-be politicians. She’d make a fortune. I’ve never heard anyone use more words to say less. Apart from President Obama that is, answering a Town Hall questioner. And if they ever create a Hoarders-style reality TV show for mental jargon-collectors, the inside of Park’s cobwebbed cranium deserves the Haz-Mat team’s first visit.

The Coffee Party is a strange beverage indeed– less like coffee and more like prune juice trying to pass for a Red Bull. One can only hope that when the Coffee Party convenes this weekend in Louisville, it will wake up–and smell itself.

Right now it doesn’t amount to a hill of beans.