OBAMA: Serendipity. Egypt couldn’t have blown up at a better time. Judge Vinson’s ruling on the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act got just a paragraph on A18.
ROBERT GIBBS: Damn the Times! It was supposed to be two sentences on B37. Well, the distraction won’t last forever, sir. It’ll be big news when the courts finally kill the PPACA. We need to deflect responsibility for the fiasco from you.
OBAMA: Agreed. Bob, at your next briefing, blast Republicans for goading me into signing the bill before I was able to study it. Consigliere?
BILL DALEY: Won’t do, sir. Let’s get ahead of the wave. Order Holder to join Virginia in seeking an expedited review of the health-care overhaul before the Supremes. We take our medicine, lose 5-4, and walk away.
JOE BIDEN: Bad idea. We’d still be twisting in the wind for months. I say, throw your weight behind immediate Congressional repeal, Boss. Cauterize the wound. Start over fresh.
VALERIE JARRETT: But . . . without the House, we can’t pass legislation covering the 145 million uninsured Americans and proto-citizens with preexisting conditions.
BIDEN: Who’s sayin’ we wanna actually pass another bill? The whole shebang blew up in our faces only after the Big Guy signed the original into law.
OBAMA: Hmm. So, when the act’s repealed, Democrats initiate another health-care debate and fight the good fight with no hope of a second devastating success in a divided Congress. Stalemate.
BIDEN: Which works for us, Chief. Having nothing to defend, Democrats can reoccupy our usual gauzy moral high ground. We’ll keep the White House and Senate next year, and take back the House. At that point we push through PPACA 2.0. Wait a sec. [grabs pen, makes note on wrist]
OBAMA: What’d you write, Joe?
BIDEN: [reads from wrist] “Don’t forget ‘severability.'”
OBAMA: Oh. You know, I’m going to catch holy hell for reversing field from people we twisted like pretzels in the run-up to passage last year–Landrieu, Ben Nelson, Bill Nelson, Blanche Lincoln, some Blue Dogs. Wish I could do something to make it up to them.
BIDEN: Media Matters can plant fake stories in the National Enquirer about ’em, sir. Drugs, gambling, infidelity, bathroom assignations. Then the DOJ discovers “evidence” Glenn Beck ginned it all up.
OBAMA: Excellent! They’ll be eternally grateful I used the power of my office to clear their names.
GIBBS: The Enquirer won’t take unsourced material, Mr. Vice-President. Instead, I’ll use the Times to spread the rumors, even though it doesn’t have the credibility or stature of the Enquirer.
VALERIE JARRETT: Who’d be the best person to lead our devious and doomed-to-fail pre-election health insurance reform push?
KATHLEEN SEBELIUS: Senator Baucus of Montana. He understood the PPACA better than anyone. But the doctors say his mind is gone now.
OBAMA: Waxman, then. He has a nose for this stuff. Bill, inform Reid I want the repeal measure on my desk in two days. I’ll sign it in a Rose Garden ceremony, then tell the nation I plan to host a week-long “Teddy Kennedy Bipartisan Memorial Health Insurance Reform Conference” at Camp David in early spring.
DALEY: Proactive PR . . . nice. What’s your plan, sir?
OBAMA: Controlled environment. At the Republican breakfast caucus each morning, SEIU stewards will spike Paul Ryan’s coffee with ativan. Let’s see how he does against me with a little buzz on.
PLOUFFE: I’ll arrange to have AFL-CIO plants wearing Palin T-shirts outside the gates holding up signs like, “Hands off Insurance Companies” and “WellPoint IS America.” Friendly anchors can switch to them whenever a Republican seems about to score.
OBAMA: Perfect. Oh, I’ll need a reason to cut out early every day to get nine holes in. Leon, you wait in back. When I scratch my forehead, come up to me looking worried and whisper something in my ear. I’ll nod and leave hurriedly. Sweet, no?
PANETTA: Yes, sir. When I scratch my head, you’ll approach me looking concerned and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Then we leave together. Got it.
OBAMA: Bill, I want Panetta’s office moved from Langley to a corner of your suite here in the West Wing. Keep an eye on him.
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