Some are now suggesting that President Obama get involved in the NFL strike talks. I was his college classmate at Columbia University and have studied his political career for years. My record of predicting where Obama will come down on the side of an issue and what lie he will tell to rationalize his decision is near perfect. Just call me “The Obama Whisperer.”
Here’s a quick lesson in how he thinks:
First, Obama is a Socialist who believes in the redistribution of wealth. He hates those who have worked hard and earned money — unless they give him massive campaign contributions.
Second, he’s a union hack, who will do anything for unions, even break the law and violate the Constitution — at least for those unions that give him massive campaign contributions. Don’t believe me? Ask the shareholders and banks that loaned billions to GM and Chrysler, only to see their ownership and legal contracts erased by Obama in order to hand ownership to the unions that destroyed the automakers in the first place.
Third, like a true Socialist, Obama believes government has the solution to every problem, and that solution is more government and higher taxes, combined with a prescription of social justice and affirmative action.
Based on his lifetime body of work, here is how I predict Obama will settle the NFL labor crisis:
Like “Cap and Trade,” Obama will produce scientists to declare that football is a dangerous sport threatening the health and welfare of the players. He’ll then pass “Helmet and Trade” legislation putting government in control of football — setting salaries for players, prices for fans, and giving new powers to the NFL players union.
Never letting a serious crisis go to waste, Obama will then pass legislation called “NFLCare” that demands that the NFL pay for the lifetime pension and healthcare of the players, paid for with massive new taxes on the NFL and its fans. The doctors who treat the NFL players will have caps placed on their fees. Of course this will lead to shortages of doctors and rationing, so eventually NFL Limb Panels will be set up to decide who gets a new knee, or shoulder, or hip. These decisions will be based on years of player life expectancy remaining, or the size of contributions to the Obama campaign.
He’ll then decide what income is “fair” and what is “greedy,” placing wage controls on players. Obama will say, “There is no longer a need for million dollar salaries. After all, just like government union employees, I’m going to guarantee NFL players — even the failed ones — pensions of $100K per year for life and free healthcare. We’ll call it ‘NFL Tenure.’ It’s like a government job — a guaranteed job for life, without any performance necessary.”
Like American businesses, players will react to lower wages and higher taxes by leaving the USA to play football in Canada and Europe, destroying the NFL. Obama, of course, will blame the “greedy NFL owners” for sending American jobs offshore and pass a huge tariff on each player leaving the USA.
Then, Obama will state proudly, “We’ve got to spread the wealth around” and pass “NFL Financial Reform,” requiring ninety-five percent of revenues be redistributed to employees, vendors, peanut salesmen, ticket takers, security, and parking lot attendants. A peanut vendor will be seen crying and telling a reporter, “I’ll never have to worry about paying rent or putting gas in my car ever again.”
But, Obama is just getting started. Fifty percent ownership of NFL teams will be turned over to the Players Union, just as in the case of GM and Chrysler. Obama will state, “The working man needs a stake in his own future.” This legislation will also demand teams have a minority owner in their ownership group and 50% of all NFL contracts be awarded to minority owned businesses. Not losing the opportunity for a teachable moment, Obama will say, “The NFL must reflect the diversity of America. It is time for the ownership, players, and contractors to reflect social justice. To get this party started correctly, I have fired Commissioner Goodall and appointed Reverend Al Sharpton as Commissioner of the NFL.”
Next he’ll pass rules limiting work hours for players and declare off-season workouts as “overtime.” The White House will set up a Toll Free (800) number for players to call the Bar Association, one of Obama’s leading contributors, who will provide lawyers free of charge to sue NFL teams within hours of a reported violation.
Finally, various new taxes will be imposed including “draft taxes,” “trade taxes,” and a “championship tax” (doubling taxes on Playoff teams; tripling on the Super Bowl winner). He’ll impose VAT taxes on everything bought at the games and a “wealthy fan confiscation tax” for prime, sideline seats. Skyboxes, of course, will be seized for the use of government officials, bureaucrats, politicians, and Obama campaign contributors.
At this point NFL owners will plead insolvency and threaten bankruptcy. Obama will ask “So, what’s in it for me?” Understanding EXACTLY what he means the owners will make massive campaign contributions to Obama and receive billion dollar bailouts from the U.S. Treasury as part of his next “stimulus” package.
Problem solved. NFL Strike/lockout averted. Obama has done it again. How did business survive before Obama?