A Resurrected Liberal Offers His Manifesto on Fixing America

It’s official. I have returned to my Liberal roots, and have chosen to embrace Liberalism as I did from birth until 1994. It makes no sense to fight the tsunami of government anymore, and the truth is, Liberals have had it right all along. I was completely brainwashed by right-wing talking points, and during a session with my masseuse, she opened up some chakras that wiped my mind clear.

No longer having a mind, I’m putting my intellect to work on making Liberal policies work with maximum impact. I hope Big Government readers can forgive me. Your close-mindedness and hate speech cannot hold a candle to doing what is right.


As a Resurrected Liberal, I strongly endorse government intervention to protect people, primarily from themselves. People have shown they are not capable of personal responsibility or making good choices. They eat too much. They drink too much. They are too stupid to know who the best candidate is. Therefore, I endorse a Universal Health Care option that, among other things, will tackle several epidemics in our country.

Obesity, for example, is running rampant. The First Lady has made it her project to get people to eat healthy and trim down. The problem is that a lot of people just won’t listen, and they are going to eat bad food no matter what they get told, and no matter how often they get the USDA Food Pyramid shoved in their face.

I propose a tax be instituted on all people who exceed their ideal body weight, as determined by the Department of Health. The tax should really hit fat people hard, because once their pocketbook lightens, they will, too. I suggest a $1000 tax per pound per year per person. When they visit their doctor for their free health care, the doctor will record their weight on a standardized scale that a government factory will produce, populated with unionized government employees at a flat salary of $90,000 per year, plus a pension that will have contributions made on their behalf as part of their employment.

People who exceed their ideal weight by more than 25 pounds two years in a row will be required to attend an Obesity Clinic, where they will be put on a strict diet and exercise regimen. The clinic will be part of free universal health care. It will be paid for with the Obesity Tax, and from the resulting health care cost savings that will come from a decline in obesity rates.

This is just one of many ideas for my universal health care plan.

Corporate Profits

Because corporations, especially oil companies, are indeed making obscene profits, it’s time they shared that wealth. In the past four quarters, ExxonMobil made $36 billion. They simply do not need that much money. I propose a cap on all corporate profits. No matter what the industry is, they will be limited to a profit of $150 million per year. Any excess profits will be distributed among the families and individuals in the lowest quintile of income. In addition, CEO’s will be limited to making $1 million per year. There is no reason anyone should need to make more than that. A million dollars is plenty. I’d be thrilled to make a million dollars, and after working for five years, I honestly wouldn’t know how to spend it all — although if I really did have that much money, I’d probably spend it on Subway sandwiches so as to keep my body weight below the federal limit. Any company that makes more than $150 million three years in a row is obviously not trying hard enough to fail. The CEO will be replaced with a government appointee to tamp profits down to fair levels.

Campaign Finance Reform

From now on, only individuals can donate to a campaign, and no more than $250 per person. To donate, you must first register as a lobbyist. Candidates cannot use personal funds. Corporations are no longer individuals. They are not allowed to contribute, period. The one exception to this rule is for unions. Unions may contribute as much as they want because the workers are being screwed in this country. Unions have every right to help get pro-worker candidates elected because corporations have gone too far and it’s time to play catch up. However, only federally approved candidates may run. Since restrictions on who may run will require a Constitutional Amendment, the President will be able to use his Emergency Powers to suspend those rules in order to encourage all Americans to run for office. Nobody will be excluded, including felons, cop-killing-supporting rappers, those on the TSA “no-fly” list, Gitmo detainees, or dead people (dead people have been elected before, so it would be discriminatory to prohibit them).


If you are in the United States, you can vote in any election. It doesn’t matter if you are a citizen or not. You do not have to prove you are a citizen or that you are here legally. To protect against Diebold or any other company messing with machine vote counts, each person’s name and who they voted for will be written on each ballot. Furthermore, if you cannot make it to the polls because you are overseas, all you have to do is write a letter to the FEC with your name, state that you are a citizen, and write in your vote. It will be counted no matter what. A new division within the Department of Homeland Security will provide training for special fraud prevention specialists, so that Evengelical Christians and other terrorists from other nations will not be able to fraudulently vote.

Fairness Doctrine

It is totally unfair that Conservatives dominate talk radio. They shouldn’t be allowed to dominate the airwaves. Because what they do is not free speech, but hate speech, the Fairness Doctrine will require every station to broadcast the same number of hours of Liberal talk radio in any given day. However, because Liberal talk radio has been so under-represented over the years, Conservative talk will be limited to the hours between 7 PM and 7 AM. Radio stations will be required to reallocate salaries they pay to Conservative hosts equally to Liberal hosts. If enough Liberal hosts cannot be found, then those hours will either be filled with re-runs of Countdown with Keith Olbermann or lectures from Saul Alinsky, Noam Chomsky, or equivalent. It’s up to the Station Programmer to decide, and a Federal Station Programmer will be hired for each station. They will be also be paid for by reduced Conservative talk show host salaries. and will be required to have a background in juggling to qualify.

Energy Policy

This is critical. A phaseout of the importation of foreign oil will begin immediately, with all imports ceasing in two years. A permanent ban on oil drilling within our borders will be put in place immediately, and those areas declared protected National Parks. People will expect gas prices to go up because of restricted supply, but they will not because of a federally-mandated gas price ceiling. We cannot have the oil companies profiting from this policy. Once the oil phaseout begins, the federal government will nationalize all auto makers, and begin the manufacturing of 100% electric vehicles. The plan will be paid for by having armies of tow trucks cart away everyone’s car from their home, at no charge. The cars will be delivered to federally-approved junkyards where they will be crushed into scrap metal. The metal will be sold only to Muslim dictatorships or Jihadist groups, as a way to facilitate greater dialogue and understanding through trade, just as the world did centuries ago. Private companies will not be permitted to buy the scrap metal. Within 2 years, every car will be electric. Everyone will be required to have an electric socket in their driveway, standardized and provided by the federal government. Anyone may use anyone else’s electric socket in an emergency. All vehicles will be limited to three wheels. This will get people to drive slower, like the Canadians, and reduce road rage. Modifications to this design must be approved through a special waiver process, overseen by each city’s Parking Enforcement Division and each state’s Department of Motor Vehicles, which will be granted expanded powers.

Tax Policy

Because the rich have earned their money at the expense of the poor, the new marginal tax rate will go up to 50% for amounts earned over $150,000, 75% over $250,000, and 90% for those earnings over one million dollars. Again, nobody needs that much money. If you are earning that much, you are taking salary away from poorer people. A family of four can easily live on $100,000, and more than that is depriving those living below the poverty line. For estates, 100% taxation will be the new policy. You may not hand down any wealth to your heirs, period. Once you die, the money belongs to the country that helped you earn it, and will be distributed to those living below the poverty line. The goal is to re-create the middle-class. This is not redistribution of wealth. It’s simple fairness. Any family that attempts to bury a deceased person’s wealth with the deceased will be charged with a felony, forfeit 100% of the deceased’s wealth, and be charged a surtax on their next tax return equal to 29.38% of their net worth.

The Budget

The federal budget is hereby abolished. It’s never realistic, it never gets followed, and Congress spends way too much arguing over something that doesn’t work. We didn’t even have one last year. Government can now spend whatever is necessary to keep the country running, with no “debt limit”. The President may, be executive order, call for additional money to be printed with no maximum. If inflation should appear, the government will institute price controls on all products until inflation goes away.


I believe this is a reasonable set of policies that America can live with. Please share your thoughts in the Comments section.


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