A Resurrected Liberal Offers His Manifesto For Fixing America – Part 2

Because of the overwhelmingly positive response to my initial manifesto from my fellow Liberals, I’ve decided to expand it. In addition, it appears my first article was mistaken for satire of some kind. I can assure readers I am quite serious. I am a reborn Liberal and these are my solutions for fixing everything.

Global Warming

The science is settled. Mankind is indeed killing itself, just as I knew would happen when I voted for Mondale in 1984. Admittedly, I thought the apocalypse would result from a nuclear war back then. I was close. Things would indeed get really hot, but strictly from greenhouse gas emissions, not from thousands of nukes going off all at once. According to the totally balanced summary provided by Wikipedia, carbon dioxide causes 9% – 26% of the greenhouse effect. The way I see it, if we can wipe out just this portion of the greenhouse emissions alone, we can make a serious dent in the warming trend.

Now, follow me on this next part — every time a human being exhales, he emits carbon dioxide.

The solution is obvious — we need to mandate less exhaling. So, five times a day, every day, at the exact same time that Muslims stop for their prayers, everyone around the world should hold their breath for a good 90 seconds or so. If you own a corporation, you have to hold your breath twice as long. I think even Conservatives will get on board with this because it gives lip service to that whole personal responsibility garbage they buy into.

Additionally, it appears that methane accounts for 4% – 9% of greenhouse emissions. The solution here is so simple I’m shocked that my fellow global warming alarmists have not figured it out already.

We need less farting.

I know everyone’s primary concern is about diet, but nobody has to give up beans. The farmers shouldn’t suffer just because people need to toot less. We can have the USDA issue “fanny corks” to every American, free of charge. Enforcement is easy. The TSA already has experience inspecting private areas, so Janet Napolitano can just issue a decree expanding their powers. It will also help with job growth, because we’ll need an army of TSA employees to check fanny corks, particularly in heavily populated urban areas.

These two initiatives alone will cut greenhouse emissions by 13% – 35%, and also make the world less smelly. But just to make sure we’re okay, if the EPA detects even the tiniest increase in ocean levels, the IRS will institute a surtax on all yachts, and distribute the money so everyone can get a free rowboat.

Religion

I got really sick of the crazy Christians trying to push their morals and values on me. The rigidity of right-wing morality — their moral absolutism — is Fascist. Everyone knows right and wrong depends on circumstance. For example, war is not the answer, except when union worker rights (like collective bargaining) are challenged. So religion must either be removed from influencing public policy, or public policy should be influenced by only one single religion that we all agree on.

Because the science is settled, Global Warming Alarmism (GWA) is the religion we can all agree on, so only it should be permitted to affect public policy. Al Gore will be the head of the church. Give him a cool-sounding name, like “The Goracle”.

Since he’s essentially the religion’s Father, and he always disappears like a Ghost whenever someone confronts him, he fills three roles — a kind of Holy Trinity thing that might even get Christians to come on board. All legislation must pass through federal and state chapters of GWA for approval, since our very existence is at stake.

The Constitution does call for separation of church and state, but the Constitution is a living, breathing document (although it should be required to hold its breath five times daily, also), and the Founders never anticipated global warming. So I think the courts will let this slide.

Abortion

Republicans insist life begins at conception. Then answer me this: why is it that when a pregnant woman drives in the carpool lane, she gets a ticket for only having one passenger?

I have numerous other issues to bring up, but that’s enough for now. Please send a copy of this note to President Obama so we can get these policies in place via regulatory fiat.