President Obama: The Tea Party Is Stronger than Me

Below are excerpts from President Obama’s latest address to the nation concerning the debt and deficit talks, followed by “subtitles,” which perhaps provide a more accurate perspective of the points he made:

“For the last decade, we have spent more money than we take in.”

– I won’t mention, of course, that I have added more to the national debt in just my first 19 months in office than all presidents from Washington through Reagan combined.

“In the year 2000, the government had a budget surplus. But instead of using it to pay off our debt, the money was spent on trillions of dollars in new tax cuts, while two wars and an expensive prescription drug program were simply added to our nation’s credit card.”

-Well, no, the nearly trillion dollars in the Stimulus, bailing out the banks, and the auto companies– this was important money spent that could have otherwise been used to pay down the debt if I really wanted to. So, that money doesn’t count…And those Bush tax cuts have been a thorn in my side…I really began to lose my base on that agreement to extend them…And about those wars, I’m referring to the ones in Iraq and Afghanistan that Bush started…not the ones in Libya and Yemen I’ve gotten us involved in… Oops, I probably shouldn’t have dissed that senior prescription drug program because later on in my speech I try to use the seniors as pawns again to get them frightened about how Republicans want to cut their Medicare.

“To make matters worse, the recession meant that there was less money coming in, and it required us to spend even more.”

– That’s this neat Keynesian economics I learned in college. I thought I’d try it out on the country when I became president. We have less money, so we spend more. It really works!

“Now, every family knows that a little credit card debt is manageable. But if we stay on the current path, our growing debt could cost us jobs and do serious damage to the economy.”

– Okay, so we disagree on what exactly is “a little credit card debt.” But, I need to keep saying that our growing debt could cost us jobs because I don’t want Americans to keep thinking about how all my other economic policies, including Obamacare, have already cost us tons of jobs.

“The first approach says, let’s live within our means by making serious, historic cuts in government spending.”

– That’s the Democrats’ plan, of course. We Democrats are known for making historic cuts in government spending. Let’s see, Stimulus pork, bailouts, Obamacare, more unemployment benefits, more entitlements…yeah I think that adds up to historic cuts in government spending.

“Let’s cut defense spending at the Pentagon by hundreds of billions of dollars.”

– As I made clear during my “apology tour,” there is nothing about the United States that should be defended. Besides, I’m hoping to become “President of the World” someday, so a strong U.S. military is only going to undercut my chances of being elected by the U.N. to that position.

“Let’s cut out the waste and fraud in health care programs like Medicare – and at the same time, let’s make modest adjustments so that Medicare is still there for future generations.”

– What? You don’t think the $500 billion of cuts to Medicare in Obamacare is “modest?” Well, just wait until you see how much “waste” my IPAB cuts out of Medicare. We’ll make sure we don’t waste any government money on any senior who gets older than I think he or she should.

“Finally, let’s ask the wealthiest Americans and biggest corporations to give up some of their tax breaks and special deductions.”

– Please, please just do this so I don’t lose my entire base before the election next year!

“The only reason this balanced approach isn’t on its way to becoming law right now is because a significant number of Republicans in Congress are insisting on a cuts-only approach – an approach that doesn’t ask the wealthiest Americans or biggest corporations to contribute anything at all.”

– Damn those Tea Party House conservatives! See how evil they are, simply wanting to have rich people keep more of their own money. I also notice they’re taking the spotlight away from me, and that’s not good.

“But today, many Republicans in the House refuse to consider this kind of balanced approach – an approach that was pursued not only by President Reagan, but by the first President Bush, President Clinton, myself, and many Democrats and Republicans in the United States Senate. So we are left with a stalemate.”

– Have I mentioned that we’re having this problem because of the Tea Party conservative Republicans? And isn’t this a great line- throwing in the stuff about Reagan and Bush? I’ll bet I’m really confusing all you Independents.

“Understand – raising the debt ceiling does not allow Congress to spend more money.”

– Of course, if we raise the debt ceiling, I’m sure I’ll spend more money on things that I think are necessary, whether Congress agrees or not. After all, I’m the president!

“But the new approach that Speaker Boehner unveiled today, which would temporarily extend the debt ceiling in exchange for spending cuts, would force us to once again face the threat of default just six months from now. In other words, it doesn’t solve the problem.”

– And it sure as heck gives me an even bigger problem when I have to answer questions about the debt, and how much I’ve contributed to it right around re-election time.

“That is no way to run the greatest country on Earth. It is a dangerous game we’ve never played before, and we can’t afford to play it now.”

– I especially can’t afford to play it now because I have to get re-elected. And, as you all know, I’d rather be playing golf.

“I realize that a lot of the new members of Congress and I don’t see eye-to-eye on many issues.”

– Did I mention that those darn Tea Party conservatives are a pain in my butt?

“The American people may have voted for divided government, but they didn’t vote for a dysfunctional government.”

– Yes, they did elect me president…so, you’re saying they DID vote for a dysfunctional government?

“History is scattered with the stories of those who held fast to rigid ideologies and refused to listen to those who disagreed.”

– No, I’m not talking about the liberal Democrats and me…we listened to the American people…we brought he Republicans in on our discussions… I’m talking about those darned Tea Party conservatives!

…Don’t you all see? Those darned Tea Party conservatives are ruining my chances of getting re-elected!

Now you’re catching on, sir.

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