Obama Addresses Nation's Schoolchildren

REP. CHARLES RANGEL: Hiya boys and girls. It’s me again, your Uncle Chollie in Washington. I help your Uncle Sam take care of you and your mom, and your dad, too, if he hasn’t run off yet.

I’m here to introduce someone special, a person who can calm the raging Maxine Waters with a look, sell solar panels below cost and still make a profit, and cause the stock market to plummet with a single word.

C’mon, kids, give it up for the President of the United States, Baraaccck Obama!

FADE TO:

A Command and Control bunker deep beneath the White House. Wearing a headset, the President is sitting at a console facing three large-screen HD monitors showing complementary views of a tactical assault in progress. He is issuing orders.

At a break in the action, the CIC swivels to face the camera, covers his mike, and whispers:

Hey kids. Good to see you again. Hold on a sec; I’m just finishing up a mission here.

He turns back to direct the closing moments of the operation:

Zulu 1: secure perimeter. Henderson: white SUV fleeing site. Task Predator to take it out. Bravo 1: Standoff See-Through Infrared shows targets at top of stairwell. Body signatures confirmed. Authorization granted. [pause] Roger that. Well done. Bring me back some ears.

The President removes his headset, turns to the camera, smiles, and speaks:

PRESIDENT OBAMA:

You’re probably wondering about what you just heard. Unfortunately, your President has sworn enemies who are always probing for ways to attack him and, by extension, you.

Under my direction, crack units of our National Civilian Security Force have raided RNC headquarters here in Washington looking for some very bad people. They found them. I assure you, I will not rest until all those who threaten the way of life I’m imposing on America are brought to justice.

Before I say more, please stand, place your right hand over your heart, and recite along with me:

I pledge allegiance to the President of the United States of America, and to its decline, for which he’s planned, one nation, under him highly risible, with penury and animus for all.

Last year I spoke to you about the importance of education. This year I’ll explain how you can help me win a second term that will finally allow me to abandon the pose of uniter and become the Divider-in-Chief.

There are those who say I don’t like being criticized. That’s simply not true. I don’t mind criticism, as long as it’s unspoken. Make no mistake, the First Amendment to the Constitution doesn’t allow people to get on my case. The United States Supreme Court ruled you may not yell “fire” in a crowded theater or shout “You lie!” during a presidential address to a joint session of Congress.

Thanks to a friend named Mr. Holder, who’s been monitoring Americans since I became President, I have a list of the grown-ups who are publicly and privately abusing their free speech rights to pile on me; what I don’t know is, which kids hear bad things about me at the dinner table and repeat them at school.

So, I’ll ask a favor. In lunchrooms and bathrooms, during gym class and math class, if you witness a classmate dissing me, report it. Same advice I gave a year ago regarding parental presidential hate speech: tell a counselor, tell a principal, tell a prompter. And if you’re too shy to speak up, e-mail the information to me at http://www.AttackWatchJr.com.

I’ll bet you feel sometimes you have no say in what goes at home. Maybe TV time is limited, or you aren’t permitted a computer in your bedroom.

Well, I believe in empowering young people. At my request, satellite and cable companies now include a children’s blocking option on their menus. Teachers will pass out codes for providers where you live. This means, when your folks tune in to Fox News, say, or a rerun of Supernanny, they’ll be redirected to MSNBC.

Boys and girls, everything I’ve done to America to make poorer countries less envious of us will be undone if I’m not reelected next November. No, you can’t vote–yet; but you can use your imagination to support me in other ways.

I’m thinking about Mishaha Glynn, a fourth grader from East Abunni, Utah, who’s petitioning Family Court to force her parents to tithe half her weekly allowance to my campaign.

And another youngster, Ritva Allembe, a sixth grader from Cheeseburg, Wisconsin, who’s been stealing her classmates’ bag lunches and delivering them to a homeless shelter after school. Why? More hungry kids, more federal aid, and more people voting for me to keep the aid coming. Ritva calls her initiative, “LunchWalker.”

Well, time to leave. I still have trillions of dollars to squander in a futile attempt to fix the economy I’ve broken, and there aren’t enough hours in the day.

Now, please watch this taped message from two friends, Mr. Hoffa and Mr. Trumka, who will explain how you kids can organize into, uh, dues-paying clubs to give you a say in running your school and help finance my reelection campaign to boot.

Thank you, and may God forgive me. [to someone off camera] What? Oh. I mean, may God bless America.