The world is down on America these days. Allies like Israel are sick and tired of our whirlybird foreign policies. There are even haters inside America who have lost the faith.
America’s best days are behind her, they say. The American dream has become a living nightmare. She is no longer a force for good in this world of evil. The world burns as Uncle Sam runs away and hides under the bed in his hospice facility.
But there is a way to bring back that shining city on a hill. Reawaken the American dream. Rejuvenate that American spirit of generosity and ingenuity and optimism. Reaffirm our Judeo-Christian faith in freedom.
America must go to Africa and round up every single person afflicted with the Ebola virus and bring them all here to America.
I call on Congress to write and immediately pass the Begin Loving Ebola Emigres, Dude! Act. And I call on President Obama to sign the BLEED Act, though that is merely a formality he doesn’t really have to do if he doesn’t feel like it. He can just write the law himself and pass it without Congress.
The BLEED Act would bring thousands of Ebola victims to America, where they would have access to the world’s most cutting-edge treatment at hospitals across the country. Atlanta, New York, Minneapolis.
Already, we have brought two American victims to Atlanta for treatment. Why should we value the lives of these two Americans over the lives of all the other Ebola patients in Liberia, Sierra Leone and Guinea.
Americans, are you racist? Of course not!
American exceptionalism means America is made of special constitutional ingredients that make it the greatest country on earth, a beacon of hope and freedom to the world. It does not mean that Americans who get sick abroad should get special treatment.
Once here in the bosom of liberty, BLEEDers will become naturalized citizens. They will be allowed to take the oath of citizenship from the comfort of their hospital beds.
Of course, BLEEDers will enjoy the full benefits of Obamacare as well as a new program devised to deal with the growing crisis, Ebolacare. President Obama just needs to pencil that into the law he has already rewritten 17 times.
BLEEDers will be registered to vote. Their voices will be heard! Their demands will be met! And even before they are cleared as healthy, BLEEDers will be encouraged to stage protest marches on Washington and at state capitols all across America!
Now, I realize there might be some of you out there who think this is not a good idea. Most of you are probably racist, so just shut up! But if you happen to be a person who really is not racist but still thinks this is somehow a “bad” or “risky” idea, then you just need to calm down.
The BLEED Act is not in any way a departure from our current immigration policies.
Here in the utopia of pot-smoking America, we are already a country without borders. Well, actually, there are borders. It is where foreigners go when they wish to cross into America.
When you get here, walk up to the nearest law “enforcement” official and you will be taken in, no matter your age, status of health or criminal background. Just come as you are.
In fact, the more nightmarish the baggage you bring along, the better!
Raped along the way? Contracted scabies? Fleeing drug warlords? All the better! And what could be more catastrophic than bleeding out of your eyes and ears and nose with Ebola!
Here in America, we don’t have the selfish immigration policies that every other country on the planet has. We don’t craft our immigration policies to make America a better place for Americans. No, it is our policy to make America better for everybody else — so long as they are not currently American citizens. America stands for solving all the world’s problems, mainly by bringing all those problems here.
As the Statue of Liberty calls to the world: “Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, and on Twitter @charleshurt.