Here in the winter of our conservative doldrums as the party of jackasses has once again been trounced by the screaming weenies of squishy establishment Republicans, a spark of hope. Amid the ruins lies the Gadsden flag, smoldering, tread upon.
In swaggers the great orator and visionary statesman Daniel Webster. Wearing his long frock coat, he walks amid the ashes as if it is nothing. He casts about his severely conservative, unblinking gaze. He eyes the barricades before him. Undaunted.
Soon-to-be-ousted House Speaker John Boehner trembles at the frock coat and dark stare.
Daniel Webster picks up the Gadsden flag and brushes it off. It is nothing for the great Whig who has vanquished so many a foe over printing paper money to pay for foolish wars, tariffs and other unconstitutional obstructions of free commerce.
Patriots rally around Daniel Webster and his frock coat and severely conservative gaze. He bravely mounts the smoking barricades and stands for election in the U.S. House of Representatives as speaker of the House. Soon-to-be-ousted Speaker John Boehner, the weeper, is no match for the great Whig orator Daniel Webster. Oh, wait, hold on.
Wait, sorry. Wrong Daniel Webster. Totally different guy. Forget everything.
Daniel Webster is some congressman from Florida, apparently. Totally not the guy from Massachusetts back in 1800s who was on all the postage stamps. Anyway, this guy doesn’t even have a frock coat. Or a dark gaze, really.
To be fair, this Daniel Webster of Florida does seem like a good guy. Sticks up for taxpayers, owned a small business. Family man, according to his website. Believes in God. All good stuff.
But he wasn’t quite able to, uh, vanquish the formerly soon-to-be-ousted John Boehner. Daniel Webster of Florida fell 204 votes shy of John Boehner’s 216 votes, which means he lost. With just 12 votes. He also lost to Nancy Pelosi. By 152 votes.
In mathematics, this is called “losing.” In electoral parliamentarian-speak, this is called an “ass-beating.”
I mean, when they were deciding whom to send over the burning barricades, whom to catapult over the ramparts, how did they settle on this guy?
“C’mon, Webster, you don’t see anybody named John C. Calhoun, do you? You gotta do it, Webster.”
Of course, the media will spend the next weeks wringing their hands over what a whisker-tight re-election this was for Speaker Boehner and gleefully “report” on all the divisions and discord inside the House Republican caucus.
Don’t get me wrong. I am all for blowing up this place and closing down pretty much the entire federal government except for our military. All for giving hardworking taxpayers their money back. End the dysfunction and kleptocracy! Fire the bureaucrats (for good and without back pay)! Throw the bums out! I am for all of this just as seriously as anybody can be.
But you know what I am tired of? I am tired of all this big talk from all these people who keep losing. And losing. And losing. They talk this big game, but they still haven’t defunded Obamacare. They still haven’t gutted the Environmental Protection Agency or shut down the Education Department.
Call me a bad loser, but it is well past time for these people to shut up all their talk and start winning.
You know what they say about good losers? Show me a good loser, and I will show you a loser.
• Charles Hurt can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org, and on Twitter at @charleshurt.