Ashley Madison Adultery Website Hack: Who Should Be Panicking?

“Life is short. Have an affair,” says dating site Ashley Madison, which caters exclusively to married men and women looking for a fling on the side.

I couldn’t agree more. But the infidelity facilitator has run into a spot of bother. Its entire database has been hacked. No doubt this is causing considerable alarm and distress to millions of private citizens. But which of the site’s more famous clientele are currently panicking?

(We don’t know for sure that anyone on this list has been using the site. But let’s face it… out of 37 million users, one or two of them must be, right?)

TIGER WOODS
Tiger would no doubt find Ashley Madison to be a fantastic source of the semi-trashy girls he enjoys on the side. To locate one of his several pseudonymous profiles, look for his unique fetish of being chased around with a golf club.

ANTHONY WEINER
Weiner learned the hard way not to troll random strangers on the Internet with pictures of his schlong. But Ashley Madison promises discretion, and a man can’t deny his urges. If hackers release the database, do a search for “Carlos Danger” and cover your eyes.

THE CLINTONS
You might be surprised to see both Clintons here and not just famous philanderer Bill, but it makes sense if you think about it. Whether he is in Peoria, Illinois or the Oval Office, Bill has no trouble getting girls, and Hillary doesn’t seem to care any more. I like to imagine him in his dotage with a handler whose only job is to sift through hopefuls.

Hillary, on the other hand, is less of an ad-hoc smooth-talker, and would probably appreciate the structured environment of Ashley Madison. Plus, dating online means you never have to decide which accent to wear today.

KRISTEN STEWART
The star of the Twilight saga learned her lesson after cheating with her boss on Snow White and the Huntsman. Now she prefers the anonymous comfort of suburban dads, probably.

JFK & RFK
Yes, they’re national heroes to some. But let’s be honest: if Jack or Bobby were alive today, they’d be upgrading their Ashley Madison accounts to premium faster than you can say “grassy knoll.”

In fact, given the Kennedy family’s sexual history, they’d probably share one. All the better to Eiffel Tower the poor unsuspecting wenches with. I hear they were planning a shared penthouse in Manhattan for their salacious three-ways.

(I mean, fine, none of this is true since the source is a gay porn star extortionist but I say ship it and let the audience sort it out. They’ll let us know in the comments.)

ZEUS
As any student of classical history knows, Zeus was Mount Olympus’s foremost sex pest. By now, he probably accounts for at least 250,000 of the 37 million compromised accounts. He has Ashley Madison profiles for everything from a handsome teenager to his incarnation as a white bull.

Zeus isn’t too upset about the Ashley Madison hack (he saw it coming) and he has already learned that a new dating website, plentyofdeities.com, has received $40 million in funding.

MILO YIANNOPOULOS
Just kidding, darlings. I’m over on WorldStarHipHop.

YOUR MOM
It’s well-established that Your Mom has no concept of fidelity. According to the leading authority on her — online first-person shooter game players — Your Mom has sucked approximately 198 pool-boy appendages in the time I’ve spent writing this article. Dirty bitch!

I’m not sure if Your Mom cares much at this point, given that the world has been discussing her scandalous affairs for decades, but I’d be surprised if she doesn’t turn up in the hacked database. In fact, Your Mom is such a hussy that she probably employs a secretary just to manage her Ashley Madison account. Your Mom also confirmed for Cougar Life.

BERT FROM SESAME STREET
Although it may seem like everything is domestic bliss with his live-in gay lover, Ernie, Bert has been getting some on the side through Ashley Madison. If the hackers carry out their threat of exposing users, maybe we’ll finally learn that Bert swings both ways. Or that he went off Ernie after Ernie decided to transition to a different kind of Muppet. Who cares! Print it.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER
Just so I’m not accused of being partisan: there are plenty of hot, charismatic, married Republicans in need of a fling too. The Governator is undoubtedly one of them, and he likes to get around. He kept it a little too close to home in previous years. Ashley Madison would offer Arnie the chance to find partners who aren’t famous and who aren’t in the same house. The site may be down, but he’ll be back. (Groan.–Ed.)

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