Recently I had some free time, and instead of heading down to the shelter where my roommate Scott (the flight attendant) and I sometimes volunteer, I chose to watch some television. On one channel, I found an intriguing program on Orson Welles, the legendary writer/actor/wine salesman. The show concentrated on his famous broadcast of H. G. Wells’ “The War of the Worlds.” This brilliantly conceived news parody created massive panic among millions who believed they were listening to an actual news report of an alien invasion. The story traveled round the world, and made Welles a huge star. It was also then that Gallo finally took notice.
This made me think.
A lot!
And then it hit me like a sack of babies: where are the Orson Welles of today? Or rather, if Welles were alive, what would he do in this troubled, unsafe world?
Well, if I were a director – like a Steven Speilberg, a Michael Bay or a even an Steven Soderbergh – I would use my immense talent to pull off a modern day version of Welles’s prank – but with a purpose.
To scare the crap out of radical Muslims.
It would take the shape of a ten minute press conference, filmed with the greatest CGI – the “Transformers” kind we take for granted, but the stuff that the militants in the mountains of Pakistan would take for real.
The press conference would be called by Mohammed. Because no one knows what the prophet looks like, he could be played by Morgan Freeman. That guy really commands respect. But if he’s busy narrating, we could get Don Cheadle. We’d need to “grey” him up some, though.
After descending from the heavens on a fireball, Mohammed would land, dust himself off and recite a simple statement, which I’ve written here:
“Hello, in case you don’t know me, I’m Mohammed. I’m glad you could all make it here. Before I take questions I would like to make a prepared statement. First, I am absolutely sorry about 9/11. And I deeply apologize for my followers taking the stuff I wrote literally. I mean, I really didn’t expect them to fly planes into buildings. Okay, now I’d like to direct my next comment to my followers, specifically. KNOCK IT OFF. You idiots are making it really hard for me to give a damn about your salvation. Frankly, you’re an embarrassment. That is all. Now, for questions! Helen – always great to see you.”
(Note: we should also have a signer present for deaf Muslims)
Then after the press conference, Mohammed would expand to the size of the Space Shuttle Discovery, sprout fluorescent wings and float upward. Out of the sky, Jesus would spring from a cloud, and give Mohammed a high five. Jesus would be played by Matthew McConaughey. Or maybe Ed Norton. But he’ll need a tan.
Once this is filmed, it would be released through every media outlet. But it would be up to the western world, of course, to play it for real. If we all met up beforehand and got our stories straight – I think we could make it work.
P.S: I just got an email from Oliver Stone. He’s into it, except he wants to change the ending, so that Jews end up landing in tripods with big snaky arms.
I give up.
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