Not to sound all Phil Donahuey, but the women in “He’s Just Not That into You” are treated horribly, not only by the shallow, manipulative cinematic men they love, but by the film itself. By varying degrees of unattractive, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, Scarlett Johansson, and Ginnifer Goodwin each play needy, clingy, desperate females lost without a man. To borrow a phrase from Gloria Steinem, these aren’t fish in need of bicycles; these are fish in need of bicycles with a banana seat, training wheels and those cool, multi-colored streamy things at the end of the handlebars.
Sixty years ago, Bette Davis would’ve shoved this script down the throat of anyone foolish enough to send it to her.
Using five storylines and 129 long minutes, this romantic comedy (though it’s neither) examines the dating, commitment, marriage and adultery issues swirling around nine twenty and thirty-something’s who live in Boston and hang out at companies paying them to do nothing more than whimper about their personal problems over $6 cups of coffee. The women, except for Johansson, all work together and from this hub each story branches out and intertwines.
Janine (Connelly) is married to Ben (Bradley Cooper). She’s content, though senses he’s keeping more from her than the cigarettes he sneaks in the backyard, and she’s right. Ben feels Janine trapped him into marriage with an ultimatum and when he bumps into Anna (Johansson) at the market he confesses to being married but makes sure she knows how to reach him.
Smitten with Ben, Anna tells Mary (Barrymore) about her attraction to this very married man only to receive Mary’s ghastly advice to go for it. After all, cute, little quirky Mary advises, even though Ben’s married, Anna could still be his one and only. And so, armed with a pleasant sounding rationale to tempt adultery, a-home-wrecking Anna goes.
Meanwhile, Beth (Aniston) and Neil (Ben Affleck — very good in a small role) have enjoyed seven years of faithful, co-habitation but now she would like to get married. Unfortunately for her, and for reasons that never make sense beyond needing to move the story and create conflict, he doesn’t believe in marriage. She drops an ultimatum and he moves onto the boat characters in movies like this always seem to own.
Finally, there’s Gigi (Goodwin), a serial blind dater and desperate neurotic willing to latch onto any man who makes the mistake of showing any interest in her – and that would be any man who doesn’t throw a drink in her face and shoot her dog. After a date with Conor (Kevin Connolly) who still carries a torch for Anna (don’t make me start over), she obsessively awaits his call, going so far as to creepily hang out at a night spot he frequents. It’s here she meets up with Conor’s roommate Alex (Justin Long), who takes on the role of mentoring her with the inside scoop on men using the benefit of his own love ’em and leave ’em experience.
This overlong, unfunny sitcom may sound like another pick from the Big Hollywood “men are louts” tree, but it’s not. There’s a new species of tree: Women are doormats. After all, it’s not as if they’re trapped in inescapable circumstances. Each has a job and the men aren’t abusive (hell, they’re barely men), so over time, watching Scarlett, Drew and the three Jennifers accept one indignity after another becomes more than a little uncomfortable.
The worst part is that the women never learn anything. Over the course of the story, none become stronger for their experiences and when they do finally stand up for themselves it’s not because they’ve grown, it’s that they can’t take it anymore. This makes for a less happy ending than the filmmakers probably wanted. When your protagonists haven’t overcome their own weaknesses, the audience is left with the unsettling knowledge that a happily ever after is impossible.
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