Many of you may not know this, but before my Hollywood escapades I was once the world’s most sought after fight analyst. By “sought after,” I mean that I was swiftly escorted off of The Fertitta Brothers property with a resume in hand and tears on my face. In light of this, I’ve decided to compile a list of a few dream matchups between political pundits, writers and celebrity know-it-alls, as well as an in depth analysis of each bout. From Michael Moore to Robert Downey Jr., all of your favorites are here. I would encourage you to post your own fantasy match-ups, as well. It will be a veritable Elitist Royal Rumble. A good time shall be had by all (Sean Penn not withstanding)!
Ann Coulter vs. Katie Couric – At first glance it may look like “Hearns vs Hagler 2.0.” Ann Coulter (Tommy Hearns) has the obvious reach advantage, while Couric’s got those power-projecting hips that can knock you off of your feet. I see Couric implementing a lot of footwork however (as displayed by her constant dancing around tough questions), while trying to avoid any real damage. Expect the confidence factor to come into play as Coulter flicks a long but snappy jab, jousting Couric all the way into the final stanza.
Coulter by Decision
Ben Affleck vs. Robert Downey Jr. – Obviously, Ben Affleck has one of the largest craniums in the Northern Hemisphere, so falling victim to a flash knockout is unlikely. Just as surely, we know that Ben Affleck is as dumb as a bag of hammers. Expect Downey’s intelligence to result in picture-perfect game-planning, leading to a dominating victory over a tired and confused Affleck in the later rounds.
Downey by TKO in the 3rd. — * note to Downey: All fights are drug-test mandatory
Sean Penn vs. Anyone over 5’9 – Sean loses by any which way his opponent desires.
Johnny Depp vs. Richard Gere – This could possibly be the most sissified fight known to man resulting in a “no mas” from both of the cowardly, U.S.A-hating twirps. Expect no punches to be thrown, no testosterone to be put on display and no respect to be earned.
No Contest… Unless someone gets hit by the ref with a chair.
Andrew Breitbart vs. Michael Moore – The clash of the heavyweights, Andrew is a natural heavyweight, While Michael Moore… Not so much. His weight classing is a result of pure bodily neglect. Breitbart goes into this one with the height/reach advantage with Moore benefiting from a lower center of gravity. Expect Moore to make early takedown attempts, only to have them stuffed by a longer, more nimble Breitbart. As a gelatinous Moore tires after only 12 seconds into the first round, Breitbart would capitalize with a fight-ending blow.
Breitbart by KO in the 1st.
Feel free to post your dream match-ups and analysis as we go. Come on, you know that you’ve thought about it. I can’t be the only one…