Lonewolf Diaries: My Formal American Apology

I’ll be the first to say it; Barack Obama’s G20 speech inspired me over the past week… I tell you no lies. In the spirit of his apologetic, butt-kissing extravaganza, I felt compelled to make some additional apologies on behalf of our backwards nation. I suggest you all pitch in and add your own. As Americans, we’ve all got a lot to be sorry for… But admitting that we have a problem is the first step towards recovery.

To England: I would like to apologize on behalf of my American Forefathers, for flipping you the finger, fleeing your tyranny and kicking the ever-loving crap out of you only to become the world’s greatest superpower within a mere century.

I’d also like to apologize for all of the goods, services and exploding ingenuity that resulted from our crazy new liberty-based system being put into place. Capitalism is a bitch. I get that now.

To Canada: We’d like to apologize for allowing you to remain a sovereign nation, despite no significant national defense, and the fact that you are of no real benefit to us. Sure, we trade with you… But only because we think that it’s cute. If your accent weren’t good for a laugh, we’d have made you the 51st state decades ago. We’ve been arrogant in that our conquering of your land has been a long time coming. Liberals are right … We’re an evil empire and it’s time that we started acting like one.

To the Middle East: I’d like to apologize on behalf of the USA for legally purchasing your oil and almost single-handedly sustaining your countries. Our country is just too oil-hungry and we’ve harmed your beautiful, sandy landscapes long enough. It’s your oil, you keep it.

More specifically, to the people of Iraq: We had no right to saunter on into your country without the U.N’s consent. Our lapse in judgment ultimately cost the life of somebody near and dear to you, and for that we are truly sorry. But remember, if we keep Saddam with us in our hearts… Then he is never truly gone.

To all African nations: I would like to formally apologize for meddling in your affairs in our sorry attempt to “police the world.” With our radical new medical technology and AIDS help programs we have irreversibly infringed upon your culture. More specifically, the fact that American missionaries have started to preach sexual responsibility is both distasteful and appalling. If one of you wants to rape a virgin to rid yourself of AIDS, well then it’s simply ethnocentric of us to try and stop you. The moral judgments coming from our end must stop!

The truth is that time and time again, Americans have proven to be the worst among us. No apology can make up for the shenanigans of Thomas Edison, nor the tomfoolery of the Wright Brothers. There is of course no excuse for the global hijinx that ensued in the post-Henry Ford era and no room in this world for any more hoodlums like Michael Debakey. All of these travesties could have been averted… Had we only remained a little more like our European counterparts.

For shame, America… For Shame.

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