Last week was a look at 5 summer films worthy of both ten-bucks and clock watching, next go-round will be those we’re unsure about, but today there’s no doubt a beating’s in store for anyone foolish enough to drop the jing. We will though, because during summer a cool poster promising explosions is all we ask.
May 1st: X-Men Origins: Wolverine – X-Men represents the most forgettable superhero franchise ever. To be fair, the only reason I remember those “Fantastic Four” flicks more is because of how hard they sucked, but over three films and 6-plus hours the only “X-Men” scene that made any kind of impression was Magneto’s escape in the first or second one. The Wolverine trailer promises more of the same: obvious special effects but no “moment,” and Hugh Jackman remains a phenomenon all too common these days: a television-level talent working on the big screen.
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May 1st: Ghosts of Girlfriends Past – I’ve never looked forward to anything Matthew McConaughey’s done and don’t intend to change now. The high-concept romantic comedy is the worst genre going today but no matter how bad they are, they make money. “Four Christmases” and “What Happens in Vegas” proved that. The photo above makes me want to start reading books again.
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May 8th: Melrose Trek – Yeah, I’ve been all over this, but thus far three scenes have been released and they are truly, truly bad. Kirk hitting on Uhura as she cracks jokes about sex with farm animals… Some things are just wrong. Regardless, the filmmakers want to put their best foot forward and these flat scenes proving there’s no chemistry between the players is the best they could do. There’s something odd about the look of the film, as well — I mean other than the overwhelming metrosexuality of it all.
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May 15th: Angels and Demons – Do you have to be Roman Catholic to comprehend just how awful the first one was? Granted, it made a ton of money, but what a snorer. I was too bored to be offended, and the research was terrible. When we punish ourselves the whip goes in the left hand, not the right. And I don’t get these comparisons of Tom Hanks and Jimmy Stewart. They’re nothing alike, not even close. That’s not an insult, I like Hanks, but if he reminds me of anyone from the Golden Era it’s Joseph Cotten — and that’s just as big of a compliment.
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June 5th: Land of the Lost – Other than his early Bush impersonation and “Step Brothers” (which I loved), Will Ferrell generally wears out his welcome in about 15 minutes. His refusal (or inability) to convey depth and sincerity might serve him well in this flip, post-modern age of Jon Stewart and raunchy, stupid comedies, but I hope to live long enough to see “Uncle Buck,” “Animal House,” “Vacation,” “American Pie” and “Caddyshack” outlive his tedious schtick.
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August 7th: GI Joe – Our “Real American Hero” is now stationed in Brussels or something, and in this age of terrorism goes after a gun dealer … or something. Director Stephen Sommers hasn’t made anything approaching watchable since “The Mummy” in 1999 and this looks like his usual bombastic, numbing nonsense with some lame political correctness to boot. GI Joe … a real Brussels based hero … GI Joe!
Let me close by saying that my mind can be easily changed if the movie’s good. If “Che” could win me over, “Trek 90210” has a shot.
Next up … “The Maybe” — those that could go either way.
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