Janet – Put on the Coffee

I’m your guy. You will want to pay me a visit. You’ll be wanting to sit me down in your offices and have a little chat with me. And if worse comes to worst, I won’t even cost you much at Gitmo (while it still exists); for I require no Koran, no prayer mats, nor would I require any of the bathroom fixtures to be realigned to point toward Mecca. But you are definitely going to want to bring me in. For according to you, Janet Napolitano, Director of the Department of Homeland Security, I am a dangerous threat to the security of America.

Apparently, I am a right wing extremist.

Janet Napolitano

You said this past week that the pro-Life, anti-illegal immigration, returning vets are to be flagged as being possible right-wing extremists. Since I wasn’t in the service, I guess I missed the trifecta. But two-outta-three ain’t bad. In advance of your grilling, I’m sorry… profile interview…I will list some personal information for you so that my incrimination and persecution can go more smoothly.

First off, yes, I am PRO-LIFE. This means that I hold human life to be precious, sacrosanct, and worthy of protecting, particularly when it is an innocent baby, either newborn or preborn. And yes, contrary to the intellectual Luddites that comprise the abortion enthusiast ilk…I believe that a preborn infant is a human being. It’s not a dog, it’s not a giraffe, it’s not a tumor, it’s not an “unviable tissue mass”. It’s a human being.

I don’t believe in assassinating abortion doctors. (See above re: protecting life.) I don’t believe in bombing or in other ways damaging or destroying abortion clinics. I believe in non-violent persuasion through the peaceful discourse and exchange of ideas. It is my firm belief that those adhering to my point of view have logic and moral common sense on their side; and I believe that with all things being equal, I can persuade my ideological adversary to at least a partial acceptance of the veracity of my points. And if I can’t, my discourse is to hold them up in prayer.

Which brings me to my Faith.

I am an unapologetic CHRISTIAN. I am proud and privileged to stand up for Jesus Christ. By my permission and urging, He orders the direction of my life. Sort of a ‘Jesus take the wheel’ type of thing. I’ve run ‘The Gary Show’ for too many fruitless seasons, hoping I’d get picked up for another round of petty selfish debauchery, ego-centrism, and narcissistic hedonism until I was on my face sucking wind at the utter sad futility of my pathetically meaningless existence. Enter the Lamb of God to epiphanically disabuse me of that notion. Cue my shock and utter amazement at the attendant tears of joy.

I am PRO-MILITARY. I get choked up when I hear the Star Spangled Banner, when I hear of a soldier or Marine or SEAL was wounded or killed. I think the men and women we have serving in our volunteer military force are the bravest, brightest, and best among us. These people are willing to stand in the gap for us wherever the brace of Liberty and Freedom needs shoring up. They shoulder a rifle and stand at the wall of our peril, and give silent witness that we won’t be overrun in our sleep. They provide for us, in this dangerous and hostile world, what we crave — our peace of mind.

I was recently given two medallions as a thank you for participating in a celebrity shooting event to benefit the Wounded Warrior Project. One bore the insignia of the Navy SEALs, the other that of the U.S. Marine Corps. A Marine Sergeant Major presented the medallions in a small ceremony with about eight of his Marines. It was a solemn occasion, and I felt woefully unworthy for the respect afforded me. (Hey, I’m just an actor; these guys are the real deal.) The Sergeant Major placed the large coins in his palm and handed them to me in a rock-firm handclasp, and he held my grip as he humbly thanked me for my participation. The looks in these fine men and women’s eyes held such a strong and sonorous gaze of pride, and duty, and honor… I was stirred to my core. And I was moved almost beyond my capacity to hold it in. Those serving in our military are the guarantors of our Freedom, and I love them for it.

I am also unapologetically PRO-GUN. I own a pistol, a rifle, and a shotgun. And I practice with them frequently. It’s a dual purpose – shooting is a lot of fun, but it also has practical applications. Protecting my family is of paramount concern — always. Plus, it’s an American tradition that I, for one, do not want to see fall by the wayside. To know the comfort and security of being ‘skilled at arms’ is something all of us citizens should cultivate — we family men and/or homeowners who fancy ourselves to be ‘standing guard at the mouth of the cave’.

I have the highest respect for those who would put on a policeman’s uniform and patrol our streets to keep us safe. But even the cops will tell you – they can’t be everywhere all the time. A lot can happen between the time the 911 call is made and the patrol unit actually shows up.

Do I think every sane, law-abiding adult citizen in this country should have the right to own and carry a gun? Absolutely. Do I think everyone should carry a gun? No. Not everyone has the temperament, the ability, nor the desire to be a Defender of innocent life. It takes training, focus, restraint and discipline. Not everyone is cut out for police work, not everyone belongs in the military…and likewise I know many, many people who probably should not carry a gun. But that should be their choice to make. Otherwise, what does it mean to be a ‘free country’?

But freedom comes with responsibility. In order to use that tool, that weapon, that gun effectively… one must train with it. Though never in the military myself, I have trained with many former military and police personnel. My rifle instructor was a former Marine sergeant, my handgun instructor a cop. Good, decent people cultivating skill at arms. There are many good shooting schools around. Invest the money, time and effort to become proficient with the skill that could save your life.

I have never hunted anything in my life. I do not believe that the 2nd Amendment was put in place in order to secure the rights of sportsmen and hunters. I know the truth – because I studied the Constitution, the Federalist Papers, and biographies of our founding fathers. The 2nd Amendment was put in place to resist tyranny wherever it prevents itself – from without…or from within. The 2nd Amendment is also the guarantor of our Freedom.

I am ANTI-ILEGAL IMMIGRATION. We are a nation of laws, and I don’t think that just because so many people are racing across our borders illegally on a daily basis that that should be any justification for saying that it’s all right to tolerate it. FTS! Stop illegal immigration. This is not the children’s game, Red Rover. (You know, “red rover, red rover, send Suzie over!”..and then Suzie runs and tries to break through the line, and if she does, she gets to stay.) FTS! If citizens of another country break through the line, I’m sorry, they gotta go back! I don’t care if they’re fine, lovely people who really really really reeeeeeaaaaalllllllyyyy want to be in the U.S. If they have broken the law, they gotta go back. The late Congressman Sonny Bono said it best, “What part of ‘illegal’ don’t you understand?”

I am a small-government, capitalist CONSERVATIVE. The term ‘compassionate conservative’ is a pandering redundancy coined by the Bushes. It assumes conservatism itself to be devoid of compassion. But the practice of rewarding a man for his labor in a mutual and volitional system of exchange in which one’s own fortune is only enhanced by the acquisition of fortune by his peers is compassion in its essence. It’s not a zero-sum game. A rising tide lifts all ships. Though some would prefer to drown themselves within the prison of their own disbelief, laziness, or negativity; the true conservative is only too happy to share fortune-making secrets, vital words of guidance and advice, and even the encouraging and supportive pat on the back for effort.

The capitalist thrives on profit; but profit is not the thing of avarice, hoarding, or stinginess. Profit, as an extension of a man’s spirit, is ripe with generosity and honor and mutual exchange of happiness. My money means nothing apart from and unto itself – it only has value for what it is able to purchase. And the owner of that which I seek to purchase holds the same relationship with his money. Ultimately, money is the measure of a man’s efforts and abilities. The merchant sets the price for a commodity at a price he thinks he can get. If he’s correct in his assessment of its value, it will sell; if not, it won’t. And he then lowers the price until it does. The buyer gauges its worth and measures against his personal budget. If he think he can afford it, he buys, if not he doesn’t.

Money is merely a practical and easy means of exchange. And deeper than that, it is a fulfillment of a promise; mutually agreed upon by men and women of honor. Free and volitional exchange in the marketplace is the cornerstone of our way of life. No government necessary in the process – unless a commodity is found to be not as represented; and then we have anti-fraud laws on the books. (Yes, the phrase ‘caveat emptor’ should remind us that occasionally a Bernie Madoff grabs the loot and runs.) But if someone in the marketplace abandons honor and instead defrauds, robs, steals, extorts, or otherwise cheats – they go to jail. Simple and straightforward – complicated only by those who would exploit their power and insinuate their imagined need to ‘regulate’. That’s when the trouble starts.

I, and millions and millions like me, am SELF-SUFFICENT. And, Janet, I do understand that with all my other “radical right-wing extremist” proclivities…this one will probably piss you off the most.

You see…we don’t really need you.

Apart from keeping terrorists locked up, or scrounging around on their side of the pond, you really don’t have any need to come after us, infringe in our rights, or otherwise make life difficult for us. I’m sorry, did I say ‘terrorists’? I mean Overseas Contingency Operators.

But my sincere note of information to you, Ms. Napolitano and to all of you in government: Aside from protecting us from our enemies… leave us alone.

Oh, I am grateful for our military, for our police department, our fire department…but that’s about it. Okay, there’s a need for a federal, state and local government, I guess, on a limited basis. But they should all be volunteer jobs – including the President of the United States. Volunteer. As in, no pay. Forget all these career politicians.

What if ‘serve the people’ really mean that for once?

And here’s one that should put me into the front of the Napolitano rolodex: My family and I … we don’t need the ‘Internal Revenue ‘Service’. Don’t you love the moxy – they call themselves a ‘service’. Well, I for one would like to officially go on record: I am unhappy with the service!

(Yeah, I know – here come the string of audits for the rest of my life.)

The IRS pounded my father all his life. And though he hired a very bright and honest and conscientious CPA, they hounded and extorted a fortune from him during his 85 years of life. He always played by their rules, never tried to end-run them or evade anything, always acted and dealt honestly in his business tax situations. But they wanted his soul. My father, a man who employed hundreds (and thereby provided them a living) was treated as some sort of criminal at every turn. He was assumed to be a tax cheat and greedy evil fat-cat by this ‘service’ run by envious, sniveling government hacks, out to stick it to the Capitalist. With nothing to conclude it, he was treated like an ignoble scoundrel, trying to pull a fast one; and solely because he was financially successful. And this was a man who, in my very early years, taught me the value of always telling the truth. “Trust is a precious thing – you lose it once, it’s gone forever.” My dad was a ‘handshake deal’ kind of guy. He believed his word was his bond, and it was sealed with a handshake.

My, how times have changed.

So there it is; me in a nutshell. (Okay take your shot, yeah I said nutshell.) You now know how incredibly dangerous I am. I say this with only part of my tongue in cheek. (No, I don’t speak with forked tongue. Hey, I’m part Navajo.) And Ms. Napolitano, I only single you out, due to the very inappropriate and well, yes, stupid, remarks you made regarding our returning vets. But I take these remarks very personally. And I’m now speaking to everyone in your administration, including The Boss.

You see…I am dangerous. Very dangerous. But not in the way you may think. You call me an extremist. Maybe I am. I love Liberty…Freedom…God…Country…Honor. I do love these things extremely. But I am not a danger to this country, or any of the law-abiding citizens who inhabit it. I am, however, a very great danger to those who would attempt to eradicate those freedoms and liberties and American ideals. Because I speak the truth. And I represent in my ideals the very same ideals that this great nation was founded upon. And those of you who would use your deception and disinformation, your slogans and lies, your pandering and class-warfare pimping methods… to turn neighbor against neighbor, group against group, race against race…yes, to you I am dangerous. For, you see…the American people are waking up to who you really are. You don’t stand for Liberty and Honor; you stand for Career Advancement and Personal Power. You don’t stand for God and Country…you stand for Subjugation…Ego…and Control. You don’t stand for Freedom; you stand for Posturing the Heroic Image.

We’ve got your number. Me, and a hundred million just like me. What I would suggest, if you actually do have a vestige of honor and sensibility…is to change your ways. Change your core values. Change your Alinsky-Chompsky ideology. Change your quest to become Emperor of the Universe…for the Emperor is naked. Those of us not wearing beer goggles know it, and the numbers are growing, quickly.

“You can fool some of the people, some of the time…”

But hey – I don’t want this to sound completely negative to you. I’m willing to help. Give me a call, I’ll come in, we’ll have a chat, and I’ll help point out to you guys how’ve you’ve gone terribly wrong – and what we can do to get this country back on the right track. So Janet… call me? Write me on my website, I’ll give you my cell. I’ll be here waiting.

Put on the coffee.


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