Review: Earth

Anyone who’s figured out that Global Warming is socialism disguised as nonsense will immediately understand why DisneyNature’s “Earth” was dropped into theatres and aimed at your children on Earth Day. The subtext, as defined by a running subplot involving the struggle of “Papa the Polar Bear,” is how the warming of the earth is endangering the cutest animal families you ever will see. This warming is never openly blamed on man, but it no longer needs to be. Years of dishonest propaganda have laid that groundwork so well that “Earth” can toss off the warming fallacy in the most effective of ways: matter-of-factly.

Propa-nonsense or no, the saving grace of any theatrical nature documentary should be the photography, but I’ve read that “Earth” uses footage from, and is nothing more than a boiled down version of, the “Planet Earth” television series (recycling?), and it shows. There aren’t more than a few shots that rose above my childhood memories of what good ole Marlin Perkins introduced in Mutual of Omaha’s “Wild Kingdom” every Saturday afternoon in the seventies.

“Just as the mother lion protects her cubs, you can protect your family with Mutual of Omaha …”

Eloquently and at times playfully narrated by James Earl Jones, “Earth” follows the sun and — except for a quick stop here and there to tour a rainforest or to watch some baby ducks attempt their first flight – follows three animal families over the course of a seasonal migration. Elephants trudge across a harsh desert, humpback whales swim many oceans and polar bears venture over miles of ice. All are driven and guided by nothing more than instinct in a ritualistic search for food in a harsh world whose immediate threat is the carnivore, but whose arch-villain is … man.

The whales have the easiest time making their migration destination but the others are victimized by — wait for it — “the planet warming.” Thanks to SUVs and George W. Bush, the desert has increased in size and now the elephants have a much longer walk than they should and the net effect of a longer journey is increased exhaustion that makes them more vulnerable to predatory lions. You would think this would be good for the lions. More food would increase their numbers. Unsurprisingly though, the film doesn’t go near what could be a positive outcome of “the planet warming.”

Where it does go is waaaaayyy out on this ice with Papa the Polar Bear, who roams miles from land in search of the seals that will feed his adorable little newborn bear cubs.* But thanks to capitalism the thaw comes sooner than normal, the ground melts out from under Papa’s paws and he’s forced to swim miles in order to reach land. Weakened by the swim, he doesn’t have the strength to take down a walrus for food. That this might increase the walrus population is another possibility the film doesn’t touch.

Another open question is how the filmmakers know Papa the Polar Bear is “weakened,” (he seemed fine to me fighting those half-ton walrus) or that his swim is any longer than it was before Wal-Mart became a superpower. His ultimate fate is also never revealed. We’re left with the impression he lies down and dies of starvation, which made me wonder why Nature Boy didn’t put down his g**damn camera and toss the poor thing something from craft services.

There are a few compelling moments over the doc’s 95-minute running time. A coordinated night-time lion attack on a herd of elephants desperate to guard their babies is a definite high point, but the overall narrative is episodic with too few wowsers for the eyes. But it is a film made for kids who will be enamored with the animals, caught up in their plight, and grow into another mindless minion in the forever secured Democrat majority.

*UPDATE: Papa bear scouting for food for his cubs is an assumption of mine based on the “family” theme of the film, not something the movie states. A commenter stated male bears don’t do this, so blame me not the filmmakers.