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Lonewolf Diaries: Silly Dames of 'The View'


Honestly, I don’t get it. If there is a more under-qualified, un-interesting group of female hacks available for hire… Well I certainly haven’t found them. Ever since my grade school days as I mastered the art of “faking sick” and I stumbled across “The View,” I’ve been confusedly asking myself the same question… How do these dumb broads remain gainfully employed?!

15 years later, I’ve grown much better at creating ficticious ailments (the key is to lick your palms), yet I remain just as vexed with the “View-ladies” as the day I found them.

Here we’ve got a show, with a pretty basic format that is clearly designed to be personality driven. So in order to analyze the success of the show one would have to take an in-depth look at said personalities. So come on folks, follow me along down the logic trail!

Barbara Walters: How this one got into broadcasting, I’ll never know. She’s dull, terrible in her questioning, has a bizarre speech impediment not found anywhere else. Has she taken a gander at what FoxNews has to offer? The lady broadcasters over there are sharp as an arrow, laser-accurate with their questions. If anyone out there can explain the Barbera Wawa conundrum to me, please do.

Whoopi Goldberg: One of the least funny stand up comedians of her time, a bland actress and an even more grating host. Congratulations Whoopi, you’ve just taken first place in the “Triathlon of Sucky Entertainment.” I also find myself increasingly annoyed by her attempts to give off the whole “Gather ’round, it’s storytime/Mother Goose” vibe with her continued use of the words “child” and “girl.” If my pre-school teacher had been anything like her, I would have left the storybook circle, grabbed the nearest tinker toy and stabbed myself in the liver.

Elizabeth Hasslebeck: Bless her heart.

Sherri: She seems sweet enough, but that doesn’t change the fact that she brings little to the table. A lady who openly voted for her president based solely on race and has claimed to have had “more abortions than I care to count,” has no business being on America’s “favorite morning panel.”

Joy Behar: The worst of the worst. Never in my life, have I seen a comedienne with less of a sense of humor. She seems like the type of hag who would suck the “funny” out of a backyard barbeque, let alone a national broadcast. Seeing her interview Ann Coulter on Larry King Live, was like watching a 4-year-old see his first R-rated film; Never have I seen so much wit and sarcasm go clear over somebody’s head. To be fair, we can’t judge Behar too harshly, as making attempts at humor when you’re reading at a mere 2nd grade level can be daunting, I’m sure.

For one second, just think of the tools one would generally require to be humorous; Insight, quick-thinking, likability or a unique point of view. Joy Behar literally has NONE of those qualities, and at her age, with her brittle bone structure, I wouldn’t expect her to be particularly adept in the realm of physical comedy either.

Sure her consistently post-dated hairstyle make for a visually-based chuckle or two but I don’t see her pulling any Danny Kaye shtick anytime soon. Joy Behar… Is never even funny accidentally.

Combine all of these “sub-par” personalities with the collective inability to create a cohesive argument along with dialogue that is virtually incomprehensible (due to the constant interrupting of one another) and I find it increasingly difficult to find a single redeeming quality to the program. Am I missing something? What kind of people out there (liberal or conservative) will actually sit down to watch this trash?

If you do, how do you live with yourself? Have you no shame, sir (and/or ma’am)?!

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