With the rebooted “Star Trek” hitting a gajillion theatres at midnight tonight, a good enough excuse has finally arisen to allow for a couple of top 5 posts listing the 10 “Trek” films from worst to best. Okay, I didn’t need an excuse, but I did need an intro sentence with all that information in it.
Other than 10, 9, and 8, which really are difficult to sit through, the remaining 7 are on fairly regular rotation here in my little East L.A. abode. Revisiting the Trek world and spending time with old friends from the original crew is a cinematic pleasure The Hot Little Number I Used to Call Mrs. Harry and I look forward to at least once a year.
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10. Star Trek: Nemesis (2002) – If you’re a fan of high-adventure mixed with compelling themes and interesting characters the final chapter of the Next Generation (TNG) crew is your nemesis. The story itself isn’t as bad as you might think, it’s mediocre to be sure, but the real problem is that this cast is much too bland to elevate blah material. There was never much spark between TNG crew and even less natural warmth. They tried valiantly (and frequently the strain showed), but unlike the original gang, other than Picard, they always came off as chemistry-free television actors who had no business being on the big screen. This meant the material had to deliver the zing the actors couldn’t and the story and direction for “Nemesis” doesn’t come close. A dull villain and listless script can make for a forgettable one-hour television episode, but spread over 116-minutes, this outing should’ve been called “Star Trek: Interminable.”
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9. Star Trek: Insurrection (1998) – Easily the dumbest of the ten with our vanilla TNG crew turning against the Federation in a television-level production heavy on leftist allegory but way lite on compelling action. This might be a good time to stop and confess my white hot hatred for Data — as mawkish and simpering a character as has ever been conceived. He’d win a lame-off with Barney the Dinosaur, and his wide-eyed “escapades” are the worst part of every movie and TV episode his ingratiating presence poisons. Given the chance I would pay all kinds of money to “Office Space” his cloying little needy ass.
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8. Star Trek: The Motion Picture (1979) – Until “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the George Lucas Sucks,” this was the biggest and most crushing cinematic disappointment of my life. Every day, before the echo of the final bell died, I’d burn out those front school doors, steal through seven backyards and ignore one of the “left-right-left’s” in order to be home in time for the original “Star Trek” (followed by “Wild Wild West” and “Mission Impossible”). Learning that my beloved characters would be given a cinematic resurrection was a nerdy dream come true, and I was there opening day ready to be swept away. The lights dimmed, that fantastic score rose, and … over the course of the next seven hours the life slowly drained from me. In recent years, there’s been an attempt to resurrect Robert Wise’s ode to glacier-paced pretension, but other than a few of the early character moments, the existential trip to V’ger is boring as hell. Still, boring with the original cast beats TV-lite with Data and company.
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7. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (1984) – The quality of the series takes a big leap here. This is a terrific chapter in a continuing saga that starts with “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” and runs through “Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country.” The five films fit effortlessly together and make for a space opera miniseries engrossing through every one of its ten hours. Some weak special effects on the crumbling Genesis planet and an uninteresting villain really hurt this chapter in spots, but the character moments are some of the richest in the series. The bond between Kirk, Spock and McCoy develops into something that will help to carry the rest of the films, and of course the murder of Kirk’s son will be a big part of what drives Shatner’s iconic Captain right up until his death in “Generations.”
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6. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier (1989) – The most frequently derided of the ten, but nowhere near as bad as reputed. William Shatner’s feature directing debut certainly has its share of rough spots, but his focus on the continuing relationship between the characters and the development of who and why they are who they are eventually morphs a misstep into a very good entry. Scotty hitting his head and getting knocked out, Uhura’s odd feather dance, and a truly terrible scene between the three main players after they’re locked up together by Spock’s messianic brother Sybok (who’s hijacked the Enterprise to search for God), would be enough to kill off most films, but after the three escape the narrative immediately sharpens and comes together and the story of these three friends is all the more richer for it.
Tomorrow, the best of the remaining five.
UPDATE: You can read part two here.
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