Not since the creation of the Huffington Post and the Daily Kos has something so useless entered American culture with such fanfare. Americans are all atwitter about Twitter. It was bad enough when people began chatting with total strangers online about their private lives. Then the blogosphere exploded and we all moved one step closer to becoming the nation of Narcissista. Then MySpace and Facebook came along, and everybody felt the need to make every aspect of their lives public.
Look, I admit to being a blogger, and one of the better ones. Yet my blog actually covers issues and events. The following paragraph is what my blog is not about:
I had a piece of toast today. It was yummy. I could not decide between butter and margarine, they both taste good. My sister is such a bizzatch. Social studies class sucks. I am so going to buy that new outfit at Benetton.
If anybody cares what teenage girls have to say, I have not met them. Giving them computers and I-Pods and I-Phones and I-everything else has turned them into the people of I, I, I, I, I. Yet, if MySpace is the beginning of the end of civilization, then Twitter is bringing the Apocalypse.
The way Twitter works is that people write short posts of no more than 140 words. A post is called a “tweet.” People tweet on Twitter. Shorter posts were designed for people to post but not convey their life story. You’re supposed to shut up and get to the point. Instead, people just engaged in round the clock, multiple posts.
8am: “I had a piece of toast. It was yummy. I could not decide between butter or margarine.”
8:02am: “My sister is such a bizzatch.”
8:05am: “Social studies class is too hard.”
8:07am: “I can’t wait to buy that new outfit at Benetton.”
Yet as awful as this mental masturbation is, it is harmless by itself. It truly becomes toxic when mixed with another kind of twit…the Hollywood Celebrity.
The California Supreme Court recently upheld the will of the people by affirming the constitutionality of Proposition 8, which bans same-sex marriage. The Hollywood twits twittered away. Alyssa Milano, the kid from “Who’s the Boss,” only gets attention because she’s young and hot asked, “How is it possible? Supreme Court Upheld Proposition 8?”
How is it possible? I could teach her how a bill becomes a law, and what voter initiatives are, but her head may explode. I could explain that appeals courts are supposed to follow the law, not make law.
Ellen DeGeneres said, “H8 Sucks!!!”
I despise acronyms, capital letters, and exclamation points in commentary. Ellen did all three. I should have yelled out, “H8…B3…O75…Bingo!!!!!!”
Is that the best Ellen can do? H8 Sucks? Who could possibly disagree with that? Hey Ellen, I dislike sanctimonious talk show hosts, but at least you’re eloquent at times. This is not one of those times.
Amber Benson, said, “The Supreme Court blows.” Miss Nicky Hilton found this whole thing, “disgusting,” which is ironic coming from anyone in the Hilton family. One person wrote, “I blame Miss California.”
It is times like this that I support reinstating a literacy test for voters, especially people in Hollywood or under 25 years of age.
The final straw came when I tried doing what had always been a normal activity, watching football. Five of us have been friends for 20 years, but I was totally unprepared for the biggest abuse of technology since fake tanning salons. Two of the guys checked each other’s Twitter page to see what the other one was doing. Both pages confirmed that both of them were currently watching the game with each other.
Finally I had had enough. “You are watching football with him. He is watching football with you. I am in the room with both of you. I don’t need to go to a computer to know this. We have been doing this 20 years. This is insanity.”
One of them asked, “Yeah, but if I don’t have my Twitter Page, how will I know the score of the game?”
I wanted to shoot them, but perhaps modern science can study them better if they live.
The solution to Twitter is the same as the solution to all Hollywood celebrities. Follow the example of Nancy Reagan, and “Just say no.” Even if somebody offers to spray your computer with non-Oxynol 9 to prevent computer viruses, decline to screw around with this. Abstinence remains the only safe policy.
No more Hollywood Twit(terer)s.
eric aka the Tygrrrr Express
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