'D.C. Garage': Outtakes from My Failed Reality Show Pilot

[Crunchy metal music punctuated by power tool noises]

DAVE

Hi everybody, this is Dave Burge — and welcome to [growl voice] D.C. Garage! [/growl voice] Where we hijack classic American muscle and give it a monster makeover with our pro team of Washington gearheads and Beltway power tools! On tonight’s episode of of D.C. Garage: can the team remake this ugly ’57 Chevy Bel Air into a lean, clean, federal green machine? Grab your torque wrenches and let’s start American choppin’!

[Crunchy metal music punctuated by power tool noises]

GRUNTING DEATH METAL SINGER

D.C. Garage! D.C. Garage! ARRGHHHRRRRGGGHHBLECCCCHHH

DAVE (whispering)

Van Nuys, California. This is the home of our ‘mark,’ Scott Mumford. In the garage out back: Scott’s Matador Red 1957 Chevy Bel Air 2-door hardtop. Inherited from his grandfather, this tired old Tri-Five has been Scott’s baby for over 25 years. What he doesn’t know is that it’s about to get pimped [growl] D.C. Garage style! [/growl] Watch what happens next from our hidden camera.

SCOTT (sprinting out the back door)

Hey, what the hell do you think you’re doing?

DAVE (flashing badge)

Officer Burge of the Federal Automotive Task Force. Is this your car, sir?

SCOTT

Yeah, I’ve had it since high school. I can show you the title and registration…

DAVE

No need for that, sir. What sort of engine is in this vehicle?

SCOTT

It’s an original 283, with a numbers-matching Rochester fuelie…

DAVE (writing on clipboard)

Then I’m afraid we have a problem, sir. There is no way on Mother Earth that this vehicle meets EPA emissions standards. It also appears to violate federal safety guidelines and CAFE mileage targets.

SCOTT

But this was my grandpa’s car! He bought it new!

DAVE

That’s what they all say, sir. Send us his address and we’ll mail him a copy of the citation. In the interest of public safety and economic recovery, I am hereby condemning this vehicle and ordering it turned over to the custody of the United States of America. Back up the tow truck, boys!

TOW TRUCK

BEEK BEEK BEEK

SCOTT

Hey wait! Stop, you bastards!

DAVE

Please step aside, sir. The salvage yard closes at 5 pm. In recognition of your sacrifice, please accept this stimulus coupon good for $750 towards your next purchase of a new General Motors or Chrysler product.

SCOTT (fading in rear view mirror)

You BLEEPdamned BLEEPing motherBLEEPer! Come back with my BLEEPing car! I’ll rip off your BLEEEEEP BLEEP if BLEEEEEEEEEP BLEEPer and BLEEEEP BLEEPsucker after I BLEEEP to BLEEP your sister in the BLEEPing BLEEP

DAVE

Hee hee! Scott may think his obsolete old bowtie is headed for the crusher, but we’ve got other plans. Next stop, the Burbank Airport — where it’ll be loaded aboard this gigantic transport jet. It’s normally used to haul Al Gore’s PowerPoint equipment, but the former veep has loaned it to us to fly Scott’s ’57 to [growl] D.C. Garage! [/growl]

GUITAR

CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD Sheewreeeeeyewwwweeeek

[fast motion sequence of plane flying to Dulles Airport, car unloaded, towed to D.C. Garage]

DAVE

Here we are, back in the two-oh-two, and the headquarters of [growl]D.C. Garage[/growl] — the wildest car customizing shop in the still-industrialized world! Let’s meet our crew of builders.

[fast motion camera circles the D.C. Garage team, who pose menacingly in sunglasses while flashing unicorn and rainbow tattoos]

DAVE

In charge of deconstruction: “Bad Boy” Brian Deese. Don’t let the doughy white baby fat and smirking hipster douchebag face fool you, this motorhead maniac studied auto shop and Sylvia Plath at Middlebury College — and was crew chief on the Yale Law School Top Fuel Segway!

On engine and drivetrain: Steve “Street Rat” Rattner. Head of the D.C. Garage speed shop, he learned hardcore hotrodding as a former journalist and billionaire political bagman. Whenever pink slips are on the line, Street Rat pushes the intercom button and tells his chauffeur to put the pedal to the metal — and lay a holeshot on the bondholders!

On interior and sound system: Nancy “Frisco” Pelosi. This big bad grand-mama goes all the way to 11– 11 congressional terms, that is! Frisco has wielded her monkey wrench at the D.C. Garage for over 22 years now, and is a veteran of over 10 facial customizations!

On metalwork, chassis and assembly: “Radical Ron” Gettlefinger. When he’s not on mandatory coffee break, D.C. Garage’s resident UAW rep is always ready with an acetylene torch and a campaign donation. And a baseball bat if there’s scab anywhere nearby! Plus he’s the only member of the team who has actually driven a car.

Fuel systems and paint: Steven “Cha Cha” Chu. D.C. Garage’s mad atom smasher is former Funny Car champ at the Stockholm Nobelnationals. He’s an environmental genius who also serves as sergeant-at-arms of Hell’s Eggheads — Stanford University’s most feared recumbent bicycle gang!

And leading the crew…

GUITAR

CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD…

DAVE

…the monster metal ringmaster behind the D.C. Garage circus, the man who has more automotive industry experience than the rest of the team combined — Washington’s Top Economic Eliminator, “Big Daddy” Barack Obama!

GUITAR

CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD Sheewreeeeeyewwww Spieeeewwww winggggginnggg

DAVE

So Big Daddy, are you ready to see the project?

BIG DADDY (hitting fist into palm)

Bring it on, dude!

[garage doors open, ’57 Bel Air rolls in]



FRISCO

Ewwwwww! Gross!

CHA CHA

Ai-yi-yi!

BAD BOY

Helloooo-oo-oo, car fashion police! Clean up on aisle 1957! Yoo hoo, Ron, come and look at this thing!

RADICAL RON

Screw you fatboy, I’m on break.

DAVE

Looks like the team has its work cut out! We’ll be back to begin the build after these messages.

****************

COMMERCIAL BREAK 1

[Barren windswept ice tundra, dramatic music]

ANNOUNCER

Tonight on the Discovery Channel: they have the most dangerous job in the world.

TRUCK DRIVER (yelling at passenger, furiously pushing calculator buttons)

Get me the form 1162 depreciation schedule… now!

ANNOUNCER

Every day they risk their lives, their rigs, and substantial late filing penalties.

TRUCK DRIVER

Look out! It’s a pack of man-eating auditors!

[semi swerves, skids, jackknifes into ditch]

ANNOUNCER

Ice Road Taxpayers, the new white knuckle reality series from Discovery. Where the only sure thing is death… and taxes.

****************

GUITAR

CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD…

DAVE

It’s Day 2 of the build at [growl]D.C. Garage![/growl] BBDO is busy with his crayolas at the drafting board, putting the finishing touches on the concept drawing. Let’s take a peek. Wow, Big Daddy, this restyle is terrific!

BIG DADDY

Thanks.

DAVE

I especially like the smiling sunshine face. And that little house with the curly smoke from the chimney. But what can you tell us about the car?

BIG DADDY

Scott is gonna be stoked when he sees the complete makeover we’re giving his old junker. As you can read here on the build specs, I have demanded that it will get 80 miles per gallon with zero emissions, and survive a 300 mile per hour head on collision with an Amtrak locomotive. It will also fly, and create and/or save 20 million jobs. And restore America’s standing in the world.

DAVE

80 miles per gallon?

BIG DADDY

Oops, my mistake. A quick zero, and… voila! 800 miles per gallon.

DAVE

Sounds great, but doesn’t that violate the laws of physics?

BIG DADDY

I vetoed that law. Look, I’m not a detail man, I’m leaving that up to the shop crew to figure out.

DAVE

You’re the boss, Big Daddy! Let’s go down on the shop floor and see how the build team is making it happen. Bad Boy Brian Deese — let’s see you get to work and deconstruct this baby!

BAD BOY

As Derrida noted in “Allegories of Tedium: Reading Cadillac,” the essentialist paradigm of postwar modernist automotive design syntactics created partially situated identities out of actual or potential highway and um, car hop drive-in social realities in terms of canonical forms of these tailfin thingies, um, and tires, thus contextualizing the Marxian phenomenology of intersubjective, um, narrative spaces her on the headlights… and um, which requires, in a sense, the renaturalization of the cognitive strategies for resolving the dialectics of the metaphorical phallic forms of these, um, hood ornaments…

DAVE

No, I mean literally take the car apart.

BAD BOY

I was, before you interrupted me.

DAVE

I mean literally with WD-40 and wrenches. Not French psycholinguistic theory.

BAD BOY

Wrenches?

DAVE

They’re the thingies for twisting the bolt doodads. Radical Ron can explain. You can find them over in that Snap-On tool box.

BAD BOY

Snap-On tools? Oooohh, sounds transgressive!

DAVE

If you run into a tough spot, you can use this torch.

ACETYLENE TORCH

Thuh pwup fwisssssssss

BAD BOY

Shrieeeeeeeek!

RADICAL RON

Holy crap! For a fat Ivy League college pussy who runs like a girl, that guy moves pretty fast.

DAVE

Doesn’t look like he’s coming back, Ron. How about filling in for him?

RADICAL RON

BLEEEP that BLEEEP! That BLEEP ain’t in the union contract. I’m going on strike.

GUITAR

CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD…

DAVE

After a shaky Day 2, the team is finally making progress on Day 3. Let’s check in with Street Rat and see how the mill is coming along! Interesting motor, Rat — what is it?

STREET RAT

Well Dave, it took a little wheeling-dealing, bribery and threats, but I managed to line up this sweet Fiat 400cc crate motor. Now Scott will never have to worry about a speeding ticket!

DAVE

Now that’s what I call creative engineering! Let’s get it mounted in the engine bay.

STREET RAT

I’m right on it. Now where did I put my nail gun? Hey, there it is…

NAIL GUN

Pa CHUNKKA Pa CHUNKKA Pa CHUNKKA

STREET RAT

*thud*

DAVE

Ouch! Right in the combover! While Street Rat collects his new free medical benefits, let’s check in with Frisco Pelosi to get an update on upholstery and stereo. Hey Frisco, what kind of seat material is that?

FRISCO

It’s NOS virgin horsehair, just like the kind used inside 14th century monk shirts. Now whenever Scott tries to drive, he’ll be getting a constant boil-causing reminder of the hellish CO2 damage he is inflicting on planet Earth.

DAVE

What about the sound system?

FRISCO

The original AM radio left Scott in danger of exposure to Rush Limbaugh, so I safety wired it with a custom 400 watt FM system that brings in both stations — NPR and Pacifica! Now to test if it’s grounded…

WIRING

KSZZXZHSHNITTTZZZ

FRISCO

ow.

WIRING

ZHSHNITTTZZKRRZNITZZ ZZZKRITZZ ZNITZ ZPIZT

FRISCO

Medic.

DAVE

You know, smoldering Botox doesn’t smell nearly as bad as I expected. While the EMTs peel Frisco off the front seat, let’s see what else is cooking in paint and fuel with Cha Cha Chu. I see you’re going with an all-white theme, Cha Cha. How come?

CHA CHA

Simple physics. White reflects the sun’s rays back into deep space, which means this hideous car has drowned its last polar bear. Plus I had Home Depot coupons for paint rollers and Sherwin Williams interior white latex!

DAVE

What about fuel?

CHA CHA

Look in the trunk. You’ll see that I’ve replace the original inefficient gasoline system with the renewable fuel of the future – hydrogen!

BAD BOY

Helloooo-oo everybody! I’m back, and I’m not ascared any more! Look, I figured out how to use the torch!

CHA CHA

Noooo!

1957 CHEVY

BLAAAAFLOOOOMMMShhhh

1957 CHEVY PARTS

Klangk plink blangk shwizzz-shwizzz-schwizz schwschwschwschw bloink

SIRENS

Bloo bloo bloo bloo hawwwwwnk bloo bloo bloo…

DAVE

Whoa! This will take some sorting out. Will the team get released from the hospital in time to meet the midnight deadline? Find out when [growl]D.C. Garage[/growl] returns!

****************

COMMERCIAL SPOT 2



[grainy black-and-white stock footage of desperate breadlines, swelling Aaron Copeland music]



ANNOUNCER

1932. In the wake of economic depression, a nation lies in tatters. Amid the ruins, one man emerges with a dream to harness the power of government and youthful idealism to give the country new hope — and get industry back on its feet. Tonight on the History Channel, join us as we examine the economic miracle of Benito Mussolini and the Italian New Deal.

Only on the History Channel. Where the past just won’t stay dead.

****************

GUITAR

CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD…

DAVE

Welcome back to [growl]D.C. Garage![/growl We’ve finally let the cat out of the bag and let our “mark,” Scott Mumford, in on the secret. Sorry to keep stringing you along there, buddy.

SCOTT (relieved)

Man, you guys really had me going there for a while!

DAVE (putting arm around Scott)

Well I’m sure all will be forgiven after you see your new ultimate whip! As you can see by the plaster casts and skin graft bandages on the build crew, the team really gave it their all. So let’s turn it over to Big Daddy for the big unveiling!

BIG DADDY (whipping back tarp on the car)

One federally customized ’57 Bel Air, coming right up. Ta-da!

GUITAR

CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD CRUNCH CRUNCH THUD…

[fast motion camera circles burnt, mangled shell of ’57 Chevy]

BIG DADDY (looking at stunned Scott)

I think he’s speechless!

SCOTT (sobbing)

You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

BIG DADDY

Now, not so fast, Scott! look there on the front seat. I think you’ll find a one year free rider pass on the new Van Nuys light rail system, slated for completion in 2016. Courtesy of my new emergency transportation stimulus program!

DAVE

Here’s your bill, Scott. Do you have anything more you’d like to say?

SCOTT

Just gimme my gun, I’m going to kill myself.

DAVE

Sorry Scott, we confiscated that too. Tune in next week as we remake this classic 1970 Hemi ‘Cuda into a public bus shelter… right here on [growl]D.C. Garage![/growl]

GRUNTING DEATH METAL SINGER

D.C. Garage! D.C. Garage! ARRGHHHRRRRGGGHHBLECCCCHHH

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