Kill Polar Bears, Drink Coke to Save the Planet!

Everybody knows that Global Warming is real. The debate is over. No one with any real common sense would dare challenge the fact that human CO2 production is directly related to rises in temperature. To save the earth from massive disaster we must all take action NOW.

Luckily our Great Leader and the people in Washington who look out for us poor, ill-educated masses have set “Cap and Trade” into motion. The heathens and “anti-intellectuals” will cynically point out that “Cap and Trade” is a massive tax, a way to further grow government, a way to control behavior and a way to benefit Democratic supporters and lobbyists. But those of us who righteously follow “smart power” know better.

Saving the planet.

Cap and Trade isn’t enough. I’ve taken a few minutes to scour the halls of knowledge (i.e. the Internet; Wikipedia and the Huffington Post to be specific) to relay a couple more things that you can do to stop the biggest threat to our planet right now!

1) Drink more carbonated beverages. That’s right, enjoy that delicious Coke, Diet Coke or A&W Root Beer. See, the bubbles in soda products are made from…you guessed it, deadly CO2. When you drink it, your body absorbs the CO2, emitting far less CO2 than the contents of the original soda. Your body is like a little CO2 destroying factory. So, drink up. But please note, I didn’t say drink more Pepsi products. That’s because I own stock in Coke and not Pepsi. I don’t think Pepsi puts as much CO2 into their drinks as Coke. Yeah, that’s it. Pepsi has 5/10th less carbon byproducts per linear ounce than Coke, so drink Coke.

2) Stop Vegetarians. People breathe Oxygen and emit CO2. Plants breathe CO2 and emit Oxygen. Animals also emit CO2 and breathe Oxygen. When we eat animals, we offset our CO2 output. When I enjoy a mouth watering filet mignon, I’m taking another pesky CO2 emitting cow off the streets. Vegetarians screw this up. They don’t eat animals which means more animals emitting CO2, then they have the gall to eat only plants, which take the CO2 out of the atmosphere. Plus, humans are omnivores and being a vegetarian is just weird. I mean, every vegetarian and vegan I know is always sick. Has anyone done an analysis on this to see the overall burden on our health care system caused by sickly vegetarians? Or maybe they’re always sick because the only vegetarians I know are hypochondriac actresses and models who do a lot of blow.

3) Let species go extinct. This place is crowded. I already pointed out how animals emit CO2. In fact, the average polar bear emits about 365 k/g per year of CO2. Polar bears can live up to 30 years, and right now there are about 25,000 polar bears on the planet. That means polar bears emit 250 million k/g of CO2!!! The U.N. says that with current global warming trends we could lose 2/3 of the polar bear population by 2050. I say that’s not soon enough! These bears are causing hurricanes, melting the polar ice caps, and threatening to put Florida under six feet of water by the end of the next decade. They must be stopped. Killing every polar bear would be the equivalent of taking 80,000 cars off the road.

4) Ladies should wear more revealing clothes. A 2007 study, which I can’t seem to find the link to, indicated that there was a direct correlation between the production of women’s clothing and dangerous CO2 emissions. The report recommended that women wear clothing that requires less fabric per square inch. Based on fashion trends, younger women tend to purchase more dangerous clothing and therefore should reduce their overall fsi (fabric per square inch) consumption. If younger women simply wore shorter skirts, shirts without bras, and tighter pants and shorts they could effectively reduce dangerous CO2 emissions roughly as much as removing 80,000 cars from the road (or the equivalent of euthanizing 25,000 Polar Bears).

5) Go to work after a few cocktails. A 2008 study, again I have to dig up that link, suggested that grain distilleries perform a valuable service by converting CO2 into less dangerous “minoxocarbons” (which are roughly the equivalent of 1/7th of a k/g per overall gram of CO2) when making alcohol. Increasing alcohol consumption would dramatically reduce dangerous CO2. But drinking after work and on the weekends isn’t enough. If everyone started drinking early in the day, say having one or two mimosas or bloody marys, we would all be too hammered to drive to work. We would be forced to take public transportation. Once at work, we would be far less productive, choosing to talk to each other loudly, play drinking games, watch TV, dance or nap instead of our dangerous work activities that produce high levels of CO2. A 2008 U.N. study indicated that if the average U.S. office simply required all of their workers to show up drunk, they would reduce the carbon footprint of that office by 90%, or the equivalent of removing 8,000 cars from the road or executing 2,500 polar bears. As a side note, may I recommend Seagrams alcohol products. They produce almost twice as much “minoxocarbons” as their competitors and I own stock in the company.

Does my math seem funny or incoherent? Do my solutions seem ridiculous? Do you detect a bit of a self serving agenda? Good for you. Now, examine what the politicians in Washington, the U.N. and all the “Green” groups out there are doing. Come back and let me know if you can see a difference between me and them. I sure can’t.

And hey, if all things are equal, wouldn’t you rather live in my world? Unlike the real world where Al Gore gets rich, the middle class suffers, and we are faced with regulation on top of regulation that limits modern convenience and our standard of living, I propose a world where we all get to show up to work drunk, girls wear sassy outfits, diet coke flows from your kitchen faucet, and everyone eats steaks! Hey, whatever we can do to save the planet!