The Adventures of Bunky and Biggo

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Biggo slips quietly into the ornate den. Seagulls can be heard amidst the distant crash of waves. Three security men stand about the room, in attentive, professional bearing. A silver-haired, bloated old man lies on the couch

Biggo enters the room and sits in a chair beside the couch. He smiles at the man.

Biggo – “Bunky…so wonderful to see you.”

Bunky – “And so great to see you, sir.”

Biggo – “How are you feeling, my old friend?”

Bunky – “Never better. Feel on top of the world.”

Biggo – “Your health is my only concern.”

Bunky – “I wish I’d known you were coming, I would have made a pitcher of margueritas. There’s some delicious port here…or would you like a scotch?”

Biggo – “No time for that, Bunky, I’ve got to get back. Nobody knows I’m here. I just wanted to spend some time with The Lion, spend some time with my friend…and talk.”

Bunky – “You do me honor, sir.”

Biggo – “Well, Bunky…funny you should say that. Because I have an idea how you can do me a great honor.”

Bunky – “Really? Do you an honor? Just name it, sir.”

Biggo – “As you know…I’ve been having a hell of a time convincing the Amercian people that they need my health care bill…”

Bunky – “Those damn Nazi right wingers. Hate speech! We’ve got to silence them.”

Biggo – “And I know you’ve been championing the cause for many years…”

Bunky – “My doctors are the finest in the world. I should’ve been dead decades ago with my liver. Ha! Wouldn’t it be great if the American people had the same sort of medical care us Senators enjoy?”

Biggo – “Don’t even joke about that, Bunky.”

Bunky – “Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.”

Biggo – “Seriously, I’ve got enough trouble sellin’ this damn thing.”

Bunky – “Sir, I’ve fought hard to bring National Health Care to the people. They think they don’t want it, but they really do. I know they do. They’re just…confused into thinking that they don’t want it. We have to find a way to shove it down their…I mean, we need to convince them…that they’ll be better off with us in total control.”

Biggo smiles broadly. Bunky has to squint from the dazzling glare.

Biggo – “That’s what I came over to talk to you about. You know…your own health has been declining rapidly…”

Bunky – “Oh, I’m feeling great these days. Really, feeling much stronger. Watch, I can do pushups…”

Biggo – “No, no…that’s cute, but…you’re really going downhill fast. It’s a crisis. I’ve had several End-of-Life conversations with your doctors. Hate to say it, Bunk, but you’re fast-approaching room temperature.”

Bunky – “What? No… It is a little breezy in here, but… I’m strong as an ox. We’re gonna play touch football this afternoon.”

Biggo – “You’re a brave fighter, Senator. But get real — you’re pretty much toast.”

Bunky – “Pulse is strong, I’m regular, I’m whitening my teeth…”

Biggo chuckles good-naturedly and leans forward. He gestures enthusiastically, suddenly energized with an exciting new plan of hope and change.

Biggo – As you know, Bunky, we don’t believe in letting a crisis go to waste. A crisis lets you do things you thought you otherwise could not do. Like passing this monster of a bill. Now, here’s where you can be of great service to me…as well as your country.”

Bunky – “I feel like jogging. Who’s up for a jog along the beach?”

Biggo – “You’re really not fooling anyone, you know.”

Bunky – “I’m feeling spunky.”

Biggo – ” ‘Spunky Bunky’ …ha, ha, you’re killin’ me. But seriously. This is critical for my bill. If we can get a boost in the polls…I can convince the blue dogs to put us over the top. It will take something big, though. It will take something that can pull at their heartstrings.”

Bunky – “Toss a ball around? Maybe a quick game of Frisbee?”

Biggo – “Bunk… This has been your cause. You’ve been the one pushing for this for years! If you were to suddenly…I don’t know, just off the top of my head….uh…expire…”

Bunky – “Expire? You mean…?”

Biggo – “Think of it. You’d be a legend. The press coverage for days, endlessly touting your…uh…well, they’d underscore your…ummm….good intentions.”

Bunky – “I have had good intentions.”

Biggo – “Of course you have. And you’ve had the name. That famous name. The legacy. And now…if you do this one small thing…you’ll have…the Legend.”

Bunky – “The Legend. Yes. And… the press coverage…”

Biggo – “Endlessly spectacular. The weeping…the mourning as the cortege passes by in Hyannis Port …the haunting dirge as the caissons go rolling along… Catholic Bishops will speak…I will give a grand tribute…children will sing…oh, the tears and the sweet national sadness… It will be epic.”

Bunky – “The people love me…”

Biggo – “And the Senators will take up a new battle cry for health care: “Let’s do it…for Bunky!”

Bunky – “Yeah… do it for… Bunky…”

Biggo – “I’ll name the bill after you! The biggest expenditure of funds ever approved in our history. The largest act of government ever passed…and your name will be on it.”

Bunky – “Ohhhh….aaahh…really? My… name on it?”

Biggo – “You’re my brave soldier.”

Bunky – “I…I don’t know what to say, sir…”

Biggo looks up and nods to one of the security men, who picks up a black bag and steps forward.

Biggo – “Don’t say anything, my friend. Just go to sleep. And dream of my legacy… er, I mean your legacy. Dream of your legacy.”

Bunky – “You sure I can’t get you a scotch?”

Biggo – “No time, Bunky. I have to get back, my girls wanna go to… Moshup Beach, I think it’s called.”

Bunky – “Do you know that’s a nude beach, sir?”

Biggo – “It is? Huh. (thinks a moment) Coolio.”

Bunky – “You’re not going to use a pillow, are you? Don’t use a pillow, I hate that. It would feel like…drowning.”

Biggo – “No, no…I like the karmic symmetry, but no. We’re more elegant than that. It’ll be just like going to sleep.”

Biggo pats Bunky on the hand and stands to leave as the security men approach the old man on the couch.

Bunky – “One last thing last thing, sir?”

Biggo – “Yes?”

Bunky — “Why… do you call me Bunky?”

Biggo laughs endearingly.

Biggo – “Cuz you’re my brave soldier! I call all my brave soldiers Bunky. My grandma, that typical white woman, I called her Bunky. I needed a boost two days before the election and – boom. Ahhh….. What a good sport she was. (sighs) …ol’ Bunky Gram…”

Biggo pauses to wipe his eye…then turns to the door.

Bunky – “Wait a second, wait a second… Uh. Uh… A quick bike ride before you go?”

Biggo – “Dignity, Bunky. Remember – a national health care bill…named after you.”

Biggo winks endearingly and leaves. Bunky settle back, smiles. Closes his eyes.

The men moved in…

Bunky – “Yeah…Do it for Bunky. The Bunky Bill. The…Bunky…Bill… Bunk…eeee…



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