[ed – Rush transcript! Leaked NEA conference call from my mom, proving the Bush Administration did it too]
CONFERENCE CALL OF THE
NATIONAL ENDOWMENT FOR THE ARTS
MR. SMIRNOV: Hello everybodies! Who we gots on the phones here?
MR. KIETH: Toby Keith. Built Ford Tough.
MR. SMIRNOV: Hokay, buddy!
MRS. BURGE: Beverly Burge, Ocelot, Iowa. I do scrapbooking.
OAK RIDGE BOYS: Howdy! We’re the Oak Ridge Boys!
MR. SMIRNOV: Alrights, Branson in da house!
MR. HANEY: Lester Haney, Sepulpa, Oklahoma.
MR. SMIRNOV: Hey everybodies, I don’ts know if you see Lester Haney’s work, but he does some of the most beautiful chainsaw stump sculptures Yakov ever sees.
MR. HANEY: Thank you.
MR. SMIRNOV: I know you gots a gallery opening tonights at the I-35 Truck Haven in Wynnewood, so let’s move on. Who else joining us?
MRS. COHEN: Sylvia Cohen, Boca Raton Florida. Driftwood and sea shell arrangements.
MS. CZARNOSKI: Rhonda Czarnoski, McKeesport, PA. Victorian dolls.
MR. NEWTON: Wayne Newton, entertainer, Las Vegas Nevada.
MR. SMIRNOV: Tanks very much for yous to be here Wayne!
MR. NEWTON: Danke schoene. Darling, danke schoen. thank you foooor all the joy and pain. Picture showwwwws, second balcony, was the place we’d meet, second seat, go Dutch treat, you were sweet…
MR. SMIRNOV: Hokay, that’s enough Wayne. Who else?
MR. GREENWOOD: Lee Greenwood, and I’m proud to be in Bransonnnnn, where at least I know I’m free….
MR. SMIRNOV: And the buffets are half price before 6! Who else?
MR. SCHMITKE: Cody Schmitke. I’m a conceptual garden gnome-ist in New Braunfels, Texas.
MR. TABUCHI: I am Shoji! I am much honor to also be in Branson America, Smirnov-san!
BALDKNOBBERS: Howdy y’all! We’re the Baldknobbers Jamboree! Nyuk!
MR. SMIRNOV: Hokay, it looks like we gots everybodies on the telephone.
OAK RIDGE BOYS: Elvira, dohmp dohmp dohmp Elvira…
MR. SMIRNOV: Oak Ridge boys, can you puts the phone on mute? Hey, in Russia, phone mutes you! Henghenghenhgg Hokay, now is time to stop for the jokings. For all yous on the phone I am Yakov Smirnov, and I am comedy artist escape from Russia. Now the President Bush he is making me the deputy outreach coordinator for the Nationals Endowments for the Art. What a country! This is why I make this phones call with all of you today. You are all very very important buddies from the Arts community and the Crafts community and the Vegas Lounge and Branson community. Is my job to lets you buddies know how much Mr. President Bush think you doing important Arts and shows. Is totally awesome!
MR. HANEY’S CHAINSAW: vrrruuppp vruupppa winggadinggg vvvvwiiing wiiiiiiiiing
MR. SMIRNOV: Mr. Haney, you put chainsaw on mutes, hokay? Now like Yakov say, Mr. President he is like many things you do with the lawn ornaments and needlepoints and like thats. But he knows is tough out theres for the Arts people and sometimes yous have to do two buffet shows every day to make the ends meet. So he say, hey! How abouts that Nationals Art Endowments? It gots plenty money for my buddies. So he say, Yakov get my buddies together and talks about how they can go do the Art things for service to me. Oops, I mean America!
MS. CZARNOSKI: Speaking as an artist, I would first like to say, what’s my cut?
MR. SMIRNOV: Is very good question. Is very much sliding scale depending how much service yous do for Mr. Bush. I mean America community. Mister Bush he sees many places where is good for Art. Here is to explain Mr. good buddy vice president Dick Cheney.
MR. CHENEY: Hello everyone and thank you Yakov. I would like to say…
MR. SMIRNOV: Please not to shoots me, Mr. Vice Presidents!
MR. SMIRNOV: hhenng heh… heee…
MR. SMIRNOV: uh… Yakov make bad joke. Please Cheney buddy, Yakov sorry.
MR. CHENEY: As I was saying, the President and I believe the Hillbilly Arts and Entertainment community can play a crucial role in moving our country, and the political debate forward. Whether your home base is Branson or Myrtle Beach or Laughlin, whether your art is wind chimes or plywood ducks, all of you can leverage your talents to address the plight the GOP community. While winning valuable federal prizes! For example, let’s say you’re playing the weekend buffet show at an Indian bingo casino. Why not slip in a positive plug for Halliburton, or a zinger against Nancy Pelosi? I’m sure we Yakov here can find some NEA grant money to cover that as performance art. Another example — do we have any garden gnome-ists on the call?
MR. SCHMITKE: Yes.
MR. CHENEY: Great. You all know we are trying to grow support behind the surge in Iraq. Let’s say you wanted to illustrate this with an NEA grant to put a “surge” of 25,000 garden gnomes on the Capitol Hill lawn. Ka-ching, ka-ching ka-ching. That’s just the beginning. I encourage all of you to think about what you can do to support the President through your own individual creative medium, whether it is celebrity impersonation or macrame or welding whimsical mailbox stickmen.
MR. SMIRNOV: Hokey dokey. Any questions?
MRS. COHEN: Sylvia Cohen here. I guess I have two questions — one, is this art, and two, is this legal?
MR. CHENEY: Jesus Christ, those have to be the two stupidest questions I have heard since the 2000 vice presidential debate. Jeez, do I really have to explain this to you? Of course it’s legal, you idiot! Because it’s art. And it’s art because, well, what the hell isn’t? That’s the beauty of the whole NEA system. According to the manual… what exactly does it say, Smirnov?
MR. SMIRNOV: Let’s see… “art includes the expressive behaviors of ordinary people.”
MR. CHENEY: Exactly, expressive behaviors. And isn’t that what you morons do? You just happen to express yourself with bead-dazzlers and lounge music. So what? Jeez, do you know how much money the NEA shells out on ‘expressive behaviors’ made from smeared poop? For your information, it subsidizes more manure than the USDA. Hell, if it wasn’t for the PR problems I would’ve asked for an NEA grant for shooting that guy in the face. So stop this silly crap about calling yourselves ‘singers’ and ‘entertainers’ and ‘doll collectors.’ You are ARTISTS, kapiche?
MR. SMIRNOV: Hokay, time for one last question.
MRS. BURGE: Beverly Burge. I’m a scrapbooker myself, but I was wondering if this program paid for writers.
MR. CHENEY: I dunno, I suppose. Why?
MRS. BURGE: Well, my son David writes, and needs some money, so I thought…
MR. CHENEY: Oh. That guy. Sorry, I don’t think we can push the standards that low.