It’s true — U.S. government demand for art and art-like products has never been higher! Uncle Sam and the good folks at the National Endowment for the Arts are on the lookout for go-getting, obedient artists like you for a fast-paced career in state propaganda. With the quick and easy Federal Art Instruction Institute course, now you too can get a first class ticket on the federal art gravy train!
Tell Me More!
From heath care to the economy to the environment, Washington has become infested with pesky state enemies who are clogging up the legislative pipeline and making life miserable for our cool, art-loving president. That’s why he has ordered the NEA to fund obsequious bohemians to help him exterminate the competition and drive traffic to his hip new website Servile.gov. The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you how to get off funemployment and on the payroll of this exciting $3.6 trillion growth industry!
How can the Federal Art Instruction Institute help me?
Unlike traditional art schools, the Federal Art Instruction Institute doesn’t waste your time on boring Post-Modernist theory, messy bodily fluids, or painful self mutilation. With our easy-to-learn program you will quickly learn how to channel your natural artistic ability and suburban self-loathing at state enemies who, when you think about it, are a lot like your parents.
Can you draw triangles? The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you the easy way to turn them into Ku Klux Klan hoods. Turn them upside down and they become scary vampire fangs! Even a simple black rectangle can become a Hitler mustache with our easy to learn methods.
Our award winning studio instructors includes some of the top young professional kowtowers, bumnuzzlers and bootlicks working in the government art field today — people like Buffy Wicks, Yosi Sergant and Michael Skolnik. They will keep you up to date on all the hot new policy trends and enemy lists, and what your patrons at the NEA need you to do about it. Using tried and true traditional art techniques from Cuba, Germany and central Asia, they will teach you how to pick the target, freeze it, personalize it, and polarize it — for big cash prizes!
I’m skeptical. Do you have previous success stories?
And how! Just read these testimonials from FAII graduates:
“I made over $1 million in my first year, and all I had to do was obey! Thanks, Federal Art Instruction Institute!”
– S. Fairey, Los Angeles, Calif.
“As a cutting edge visual artist, I had a natural aptitude for political servility and blind hatred. The Federal Art Instruction Institute showed me how to turn it into a solid government career with great benefits!”
– J. Greenberg, New York, N.Y.
“The Federal Art Instruction Institute showed us how to win big government contracts for our failing business. This program was a lifesaver!”
–The two hipster assholes from SaraPalinIsAC**tTShirts.com
But I can’t draw. Can I still take advantage of this exciting program?
No problem! Thanks to new NEA guidelines, anybody can be an artist! Are you a musician? filmmaker? Web designer? Guerrilla marketer? Graffiti tagger? HopCore ElectroChill DJ? Freelance vandal? Whatever your mode of expressive behavior the NEA has a sweet load of grant money waiting — and qualifying has never been easier! Do you have —
- an ironic trucker hat?
- ironic facial hair?
- ironic douchebag glasses?
- a vocabulary that includes “bringing utilities” and “mindspace”?
- deep insecurities about your place in the art world hipster food chain?
- a slavish desire to do the bidding of your government?
- no idea what “ironic” really means?
Can you —
- Follow orders?
- Take a hint?
- Maintain plausible deniability?
- Keep your mouth shut?
Then you just might qualify as a student in one of FAII’s prestigious secret conference call classrooms!
Sounds too good to be true! What’s the catch?
No catch, but enrollment is limited. So don’t delay, write today for your free talent and obedience test and see if you have what it takes to be a professional in the new art capital of the world — Washington, D.C.!
Remember — The U.S. Art-my Wants You!