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Art Will Not Be Silenced! — Win a $33.18 Grant From the Iowahawk Endowment for the Arts


Like you, when I read that a cabal of art-hating reactionary philistines had forced the resignation of Yosi Sergant from the National Endowment for the Arts, I was sickened. This was followed by shame, then fear. And then, finally, the realization that here was a golden opportunity for cheap blog traffic.

As a renowned collector of dumpster art and pork industry commemorative plates, I made a solemn vow to myself: this injustice will not stand. If these radicals are allowed to bring down the NEA’s Assistant Liaison for Art Community Outreach — for merely organizing an innocent devotional art program — who is next on their dangerous anti-culture agenda? The NEA Undersecretary for Public Engagement? Western Civilization itself?

No, my friends, the stakes are too high. We in the Arts community must confront these vulgarian bullies and let them know that ART WILL NOT BE SILENCED. To show my personal commitment to this important cause, last night I dug deep into my kid’s sock drawer and found $33.18, which I am now fully dedicating to an endowment to fund creative art aimed at promoting me and my agenda.

3952540663_c51e0f72d1David Burge (2009): Still Life With Dumpster Paintings, Schlitz, and Grant Money.

As a member of the trend-setting art community, you are probably asking yourself: how do I get me that sweet-ass grant money? The answer is simple — submit your original creative work in the Iowahawk Endowment for the Art’s $33.18 Steel Cage Art Death Match.


Like the NEA, I’m not picky about what constitutes art. Use your creativity! Paintings, poetry, outhouse graffiti, sea shanties, macaroni arrangements, mime, interpretive dance, drum circles, chanting choirs of third graders, it’s all cool. The only guideline is that your art must promote unswerving blind allegiance to me, and all that I represent.

Once you have completed your masterpiece, submit the relevant picture or video via email (along with your description) with the subject line “Art Contest.” All entries will be feature it on an upcoming post, where they will be closely scrutinized for artistic merit by multi-hundreds of discerning Iowahawk readers around the galaxy.

Don’t delay! Deadline for entries is Sunday October 4. On Monday October 5, I will post a poll for readers to vote on their favorite piece. Voting ends Friday October 9, and the winner will receive the coveted $33.18 Grand Prize.

Good luck to everyone! But let’s remember that, no matter the outcome, the real winner in this competition will be America. Especially my kid, when he realizes that the 33 bucks he was going to waste on a stupid Xbox game helped save our culture.

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your easels!

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