REVIEW: The Beautiful & Moronic 'Avatar'

I think every guy has done it at least once. Sure it’s shallow and in retrospect, we’re probably quite embarrassed. I know that every single one of us has dated a girl that is out of our intellectual depth; but we didn’t care, because she was so breathtakingly gorgeous. They say love is blind, but when it’s not, it can be incredibly stupid.

That’s what I thought of when I was sitting through Avatar. I don’t think there has ever been a dumber picture made. The plot is fairly easy to figure out, only slightly more complicated than a Scooby Doo episode. Once again American corporations are paving over paradise, all in the name of the bottom line. I’m sure that even children are going to know where it’s going within the first fifteen minutes.

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Yet despite its overwhelming simplicity, it was hard not to be smitten, because it’s so aesthetically fantastic. The world of Pandora looks like a Rain Forest Café that was turned into a salt water aquarium. It is full of fiberglass animals, mossy trees, anemone and glowing jelly fish.

Everything on Pandora glows in the dark, even those ten-foot half naked blue people. I’m sure that no one will notice that the naked savages were played by African and Native Americans, since the film’s message is so politically correct. It has long been a tradition in Hollywood to let people of color appear naked in films, even after the Hayes code was passed.

Here on Pandora people have evolved to a point where they have an auxiliary USB cord growing out of their heads that allows them to jack up with animals before they ride on them. And if you haven’t seen the movie, yes, it is just as disturbing and uncomfortable to watch as it sounds.

Just like you might want to take a couple extra slugs of scotch before you take your glamour girl out for the evening, you might want to alter yourself before you go to see Avatar. That way you might more easily suspend any logical disbelief you’re going to encounter. Like why a helicopter cockpit that can take a fifty caliber shell, can easily be pierced with an arrow; or that people can be healed with group chanting and swaying (if that were true, no-one would ever need medical treatment at a Grateful Dead concert).

James Cameron claims to have written this film fifteen years ago, which would put it squarely in the middle of the Ecstasy craze. All the glowing colors, peace, and love, that exists on Pandora certainly seems drug inspired.

Then there’s those spaceships. Lots of spaceships and helicopters, and explosions. It is kind of a cross between 2001 and Die Hard. There’s anti gravity and machine guns, and hydraulic exoskeletons and holographic computer screens. What’s not to love?

I would highly recommend this film if you’re looking to go away for three hours. I would also recommend that you see it in IMAX 3D, where the peripheral encompassing screen and terrific 3D will make YOU feel like an Avatar. If you can turn of your brain for three hours, you won’t be disappointed.

You might even fall in love.

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