So here’s a fun quiz!
What do celebrities like Sean Penn, Susan Sarandon, Benecio Del Toro, Danny Glover, Naomi Campbell and Oliver Stone all have in common?
Was it sex with Punxsutawney Phil?
No, but you’re close.
All of these stars have had their pictures taken and/or partied with Hugo Chavez: their happy faces cheek to mottled cheek with the latest trend in socialist splendor.
He is after all, proof that it can happen! The third way! A new Castro! An anti-capitalist David, taking down that Yankee Goliath!
Being around him, means you’re more than just an overpaid movie star, you’re an overpaid movie star who matters.
So I gotta wonder. Where are these jackasses now?
Well, in the past few weeks we’ve seen Chavez blame America for the Haitian earthquake – furious, I imagine, over having to watch Marines save lives, while he farts into a hemorrhoid pillow.
And then of course, he’s nationalized a grocery chain, devalued currency, and beaten the crap out of his own citizens. As police fire tear gas and rubber bullets at innocent protestors (who always knew that Chavez’s anti-Americanism was just a cloak to hide his authoritarian rule, economic incompetence and profound halitosis), I ask again: where is Hollywood?
Why hasn’t Penn come out and condemned Chavez for insulting our compassionate military?
And what of Glover – surely an earthquake machine is even too far-fetched for his goofy mind?
And how about Naomi Campbell – surely she could take a moment from beating her assistants, to tell Hugo to lighten up.
But I expect too much. After all, these are celebrities – they treat political issues like Fendi handbags – a stylish flourish to hide their shallowness and the insecurity it breeds.
And, really: coming out against a tyrant won’t earn you points with James Cameron – so why bother. Hell, those protestors deserve it anyway. They don’t even shop at Fred Segal!
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