Film blogger and sometimes Turner Classic Movies’ programmer,The Self-Styled Siren, came up with a terrific idea for a movie list: That which we love in filmdom that puts our cool credentials into question (And yes, I do have Cool Credentials. My mother keeps them with my badminton trophies). Siren describes the criteria for the list this way:
“As always, it’s best to define terms. By uncool, the Siren doesn’t mean “slightly offbeat” or “quirky” or “underrated.” She means “courting hoots of derision from critical colleagues.” Picking a lesser work of a widely admired auteur doesn’t cut it, because after all, even late Hawks is still Hawks. And picking a film that was once lambasted, but is no longer, is also not exactly what the Siren had in mind.”
I would also add that there are certain uncool films that are now cool to like. The work of Ed Wood, for instance. Those choices shouldn’t count, either. We have to go for what’s embarrassing to admit to, and lucky for you there’s plenty to clean out of my uncool closet.
1. Fox Musicals: Everyone loves those big lavish MGM musicals of the forties and fifties, and those triumphs do represent for me the highest level of artistic achievement we will ever see on film. But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the hell out of the musicals Darryl Zanuck’s 20th Century-Fox produced to help Americans through a Great Depression. The name of the game was “simple”; simple stories, simple tunes… And not one true classic film emerged from the bunch. These films weren’t about that. They were about innocent, joyful escapism and to help you along were such stars as Sonja Henie, Carmen Miranda, Betty Grable, John Payne, Edward Everett Horton, Billy Gilbert, Charlotte Greenwood, Alice Faye, Don Ameche, and Cesar Romero.
These were musical mini-vacations, getaways, many of them in luscious Technicolor and shot on a crisp, clean backlot where versimilitude was a dirty word because it broke the spell. My all-time favorite: Springtime in the Rockies. 91-minutes of pure cinema-narcotic that sticks a big middle finger right into the face of that bastard reality.
It is worth noting, though, that whenever the Nicholas Brothers were on hand for a specialty number, for a brief shining moment MGM was given a run for its money. Lose yourself in this:
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2. Legends of the Fall: Other than Goodfellas, DePalma’s Scarface, The Searchers and Sweet Smell of Success, I can’t think of any film I’ve watched as often. Pure soapy melodrama for sure, but it works to take me away and sweep me up every time. In case of emergency break glass.
3. Autumn Leaves: Joan Crawford is September, Cliff Robertson is May, they fall in love, he’s a little crazy, the movie’s not very good, and I can’t stop watching. This makes the list because I’m not sure if my abiding love for the weepies Dark Victory, Humoresque, Mildred Pierce and Mr. Skeffington are quite nerdily shameful enough.
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4. Charlie Sheen Movies: I’m not talking about Wall Street and Platoon. Those are Oliver Stone films. I’m talking about Charlie Sheen Movies: The epic B-film No Man’s Land, along with Eight Men Out, Major League, Navy SEALs, Men At Work, Hot Shots 1 &2, Loaded Weapon, Terminal Velocity, The Arrival, and Money Talks.
I love and own them all. Okay… even Major League II.
5. Late Woody Allen: Woody lost a lot of fans in the 90s, but I hung in there, eating up most everything, including Husbands and Wives, Manhattan Murder Mystery, Deconstructing Harry, Mighty Aphrodite, Small Time Crooks, Hollywood Ending, and Match Point, until he pretty much lost me with Melinda and Melinda.
6. Bad John Wayne Movies. Hopefully this doesn’t violate the Siren’s “late Hawks” rule, but I do love me some Legend of the Lost, Jet Pilot, Blood Alley, Hellfighters, and The Sea Chase. The Conqueror is unwatchable, however, and I don’t qualify The Green Berets as a “bad” film. It’s political and moral convictions completely win me over and I dig the action scenes. A below average film? Sure. But not a “bad” one. The Departed makes The Green Berets look like Citizen Kane.
7. Artificial Intelligence: A.I.: Spielberg’s last near-masterpiece. If it weren’t for the hokey Robin Williams’ scenes you could remove the “near” qualifier.
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8. Al Jolson: I know all his hit songs by heart. We’ll watch The Jolson Story together someday and I’ll sing along and prove it you.
9. The Resident Evil Trilogy: Unpretentious, kick ass B-movies. I’d watch this trilogy over the Matrix, Lord of the Rings, Spider-Man, Pirates of the Caribbean, Ocean’s 11, Scream, Shrek, or Star Wars trilogies any day of the week.
10. Peter Fonda: Can’t get enough of Peter Fonda. Put the man in a movie and I’m there. He’s always the best thing in whatever’s he’s in and can elevate crap like Futureworld to the level of rewatchable just by showing up. Can’t explain it. But can’t get enough.
11. Abbott and Costello: The Siren disagrees that The Boys are funnier than Duck Soup. The Siren is wrong. Lou Costello on ice skates in “Hit the Ice” is the funniest two minutes ever put on film. When it comes to making me laugh, there’s not even a close second place to my treasured Bud and Lou collection. Geniuses.
12. Directed By Sean Penn: In leftie circles this admission isn’t considered uncool, but owning up in these here parts has already cost me my parking space at The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. Into the Wild didn’t do much for me, but I admire the hell out of The Indian Runner, The Crossing Guard, and The Pledge.
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13. The Punisher: Guy’s family is wiped out, guy goes on vigilante rampage to annihilate those who did it. What am I missing here?
14. Ordinary People: Without a moment’s hesitation, I would’ve voted to give this the Oscar over Raging Bull, too.
15. Tim Conway and Don Knotts: Can I get enough of The Apple Dumpling Gang 1 & 2, The Prize Fighter, and The Private Eyes? No, I cannnot. Separately, both comedians hold just as esteemed a place in my DVD collection. Everything from The Billion Dollar Hobo to How to Frame a Figg… Simple, fun, heartwarming…
16. The Mickey and Judy Musicals: They shouted “Let’s put on a show!” four times together. Same plot, bigger and bigger budget. So what? Delightful from beginning to end. I own the DVD box set and knowing Mickey Rooney’s alive makes my world a brighter place.
17. Unbreakable: M. Night Shyamalan’s follow up to The Sixth Sense was considered a letdown, but this 100 minute first act of a super hero story is a beautiful piece of hypnotic mood crafting. Bruce Willis gives one of his best performances and the scene where his young son learns that his father is in fact a super hero is expertly set up and executed, memorable and very, very moving.
18. Brian DePalma: Sure, everybody loves The Untouchables, Dressed to Kill, Mission Impossible, and Scarface. So do I. And we also agree that DePalma’s last three films sucked to high heaven. But I own and regularly indulge in the following (in order of awesomeness): Body Double (written by my great friend Robert Avrech), Sisters, Blow Out, Casualties of War, Snake Eyes, and yes! Bonfire of the Vanities.
19. Cecil B. DeMille: You can keep your edgy nihilism and ironically distanced nuance. To get through my day we’ll be bringing on the spectacle mixing it with thick morality and letting it simmer in a whole lotta corny.
20. 80’s Sly Stallone: Not just the semi-cool stuff like Nighthawks and First Blood. Gimme some Rocky 4 and a heaping-helping of Tango and Cash with a side order of Cobra.
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