Crueler folks have already analyzed Mr. Cusack’s 140-character musings and theorized the poor fellow has finally cracked under the pressure of living in the shadow of his more popular and talented sibling Joan; a clear misdiagnosis, in my opinion, as these armchair psychologists understand neither method acting nor the inner workings of the film industry. Rather than a cry for help, any fool can see that Mr. Cusack’s curious tweeting is a cleverly disguised request for new script pitches from Hollywood writing professionals. Like myself.
Well, this is one aspiring screen scribe who knows an opportunity when he sees one! So I quick put together a few sure-fire plot treatments designed at relaunching Mr. Cusack’s moribund career. Synopses below.
And John, if you’re reading this? My option (and spell-checking) fees are very reasonable. Let’s do lunch.
HellChecker – suspense horror piece about a demonically possessed MacBook Pro that mutilates a man’s internet postings to make him appear an illiterate meth head (alt title: Shredded Tweet)
Spew Anything – a moping lovesick middle aged teen stands outside the internet’s bedroom window in a trenchcoat, holding aloft a boombox that plays a stream of gibberish
46 Candles – A lonely middle aged outcast wakes up for his Sweet Forty-Sixth birthday only to discover no one remembers – and no one cares. Can he finally get the other kids at Huffington High to notice?
THE A.D.D. DOZEN – ENSEMBLE ONLINE WAR ACTION ABOUNDS AS CAPTAIN BUZZ CAPSLOCK (John Cusack) AND LT. DEMENTO ITALICO (Matt Damon) LEAD AN ALL-STAR ALL-CAPS SUICIDE MISSION BEHIND RIGHT WING LINES. CAN THEY MAKE IT OUT BEFORE THEY EXHAUST THEIR SHIFT KEYS AND RITALIN?
Hot Tweet Time Machine – Remember those awful Oughties? Enjoy retro laughs as a WiFi connection magically transports a group of aging social media losers (John Cusack, Sean Penn, Roger Ebert) back to the year 2008 where they must survive an alien dystopia wracked by Gitmo, Middle East war, and 6% unemployment
Cracka RTIma Lijke RTWhateva Bith – Explosive buddy action flick featuring Twitter superstars John Cusack and 50 Cent as two headstrong detectives who must communicate a terrorist plot before it’s too late (directed by Michael Bay, with English subtitles)
The Grammarian – Victorian biopic about misunderstood poet Chalmondeley Blackthorne (John Cusack) who is wrongly committed to an 19th Century British insane asylum after creating a new language consisting only of random characters and punctuation marks.
Exclamation Point Hardboiled gumshoe Sam Spacekey (John Cusack) tracks a psychopath sabotaging Hollywood’s typewriters in this stylish noir detective thriller set in 1946 L.A.
Signulls – Scientists monitoring space alien communications find an unlikely interpreter in a brain-damaged Amish farmer (John Cusack) in this sci fi thriller from director M. Night Shyamalan. With Janeane Garofalo as “the visitor”
Me Johnny – Heartwarming tale of a wealthy learning disabled Malibu asshole (John Cusack) who overcomes his fear of incoherent screaming thanks to a miracle-working educator (Naomi Klein)