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The Honesty of David Arquette


So, during that week while the world was fixated on “important” matters like trapped miners and political debates, a more monumental event took place: David Arquette and the chick from Friends separated.

Yep. This news sent shock waves through my soul, as I could only wonder if a drill bit existed that could extricate Mr. Arquette from the deep, deep hole his mouth dragged him into.


I speak of his interview with Howard Stern a few days ago. In it, Arquette spilled the beans on his marital troubles. He told the world that his wife initiated the separation, quoting her telling him, “I don’t want to be your mother anymore.” He then confessed they didn’t have sex for five months and that after they split up -he had casual sex with “the girl in the paper.” He differentiated sex with her and sex with his wife, in a manner that did him no favors.

You can find what he said, here.

And so the disarming, goofy actor made the biggest mistake a married man could ever make: he was honest.

You see, people, there all sorts of secret societies: the Freemasons, the Hibernians, the Illuminati, the modern Woodman of America, and of course, the Order of the Fist – which I belonged to until an accident led to a very awkward afternoon in the ER.

But the most secretive group I know are married people, and even if you tried, you could not find a single book or pamphlet which reveals what married life is like for those involved. Instead, we see the courtship, the giant wedding album, the romantic bliss of a honeymoon – and then we wave bye-bye to the couple forever, leaving them on that mysterious island of matrimony.

But for a brief, idiotic moment, Arquette performed a selfless service, and pulled back the curtain of couple-hood for everyone to see — and by doing so, might have doomed his own marriage.

This pretty much makes up for Scream 2 and Scream 3.

And if you disagree with me, you’re a racist, homophobic, malaxophobe.

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