Intrigued by my own post of a few weeks ago (it doesn’t take much), I was a bad boy the other day and bought myself a Blu-ray player with built-in wi-fi. The cost was $179.00 and since you can’t be half-pregnant I decided to go all the way and break my cardinal rule about not going Blu-ray in the DVD department with a purchase of “Inception.” If you’re gonna sin sin. Besides, you need at least one Blu-ray disc to make sure the player’s working correctly, right? At least that’s what I told my wife, who smiled at me as though I were a child.
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Silly me, I was sure I’d plug that sucker in and the connection to my wireless router would work like a charm. You know, something within the Blu-ray finds the router, connects, and voila! — Welcome to Netflix instant stream. What would you like to watch first?
In summation: Silly me.
Which brings to me why I always wait a lot longer than I normally would to enter the exciting world of the latest pop culture, cool, neato, technological gizmo.
In my experience, since the demise of the vacuum tube, anything new involving the supposedly User Friendly digital age — computer, video games, iPhone, iPod, whatever — should come with a warning label that makes clear the following:
What you’re about to purchase looks cool, sleek, fun, and it will be … someday. But not before you’re plunged into a long frustrating nightmare involving such issues as incompatibility, instruction manuals an astronaut couldn’t understand, obnoxious error messages, a troubleshooting website even more confusing than our instruction manual, long hold times at 1-800-FOOLED-U (we suggest you pack a lunch), and a Tech Support department manned by nice people thousands of miles away eager to help you with a flip-chart and an accent impossible to understand.
Plug it in.
Turn it on.
Enjoy it.
That’s never happened to me. Not once. So forgive me if this is too much to ask, but when I lay out the kind of money needed for a Blu-ray or iPod or computer, this stuff should be as user-friendly as a washing machine, not the first manned space station.
Six weeks ago I bought a new computer; walked into the computer store, opened my arms, and proclaimed: “Give me the best one you got because I don’t want any problems with it.” And guess what?
Ever since I’ve spent more time on the phone with customer service than with my own wife. Two days last week I was completely down and as I write this I’m still waiting on a call back just to get the sound working again.
Home computers have been around for more than two decades. Hewlett Packard can’t build one that you plug in and it works?
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And regardless of the new device, here’s my favorite part of every experience…
At one point or another, me and the Techie From Another Hemisphere always reach the point where they’ve never ever come across a problem like mine before. For the record, this point is usually reached late into the night while I’m sitting in a pile of instruction manuals, empty liquor bottles, and staring longingly at a razor blade.
Take for instance my spanking new Blu-ray player. Oh, it’s working now. Netflix is all hooked up and streaming like nobody’s business (and as soon as my computer’s repaired I look forward to enjoying it). But I ask you, why did hooking up a Blu-ray player have to be such a nightmare before I was allowed to ascend Valhalla? Why did I have to pay my AT&T Internet provider an extra forty bucks for installation support? Why four hours (no exaggeration) with tech support (half of it on hold)?
And, really, why does this always happen…?
TECH GUY: Hmm?
ME: What do you mean, hmm?
TECH GUY: Just ah-
ME: This is the first time you’ve run into my problem, right?
TECH GUY: Well, sir it’s just that–
ME: No, it’s okay. If we didn’t eventually reach this point I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.
Then again, maybe I’m the idiot.
But I’m also the idiot who bitterly clings to the old and only grudgingly purchases the new.
But rather than complain I’d like to offer a suggestion to those of you in the home entertainment world eager to bring on the next new thing: Hire an idiot; someone like me to say things like:
What’s a WPS button?
What does LAN mean?
Why isn’t my fairly standard router included in your step-by-step set-up guide?
Do you get a kickback from AT&T for every call to set up this Blu-ray player?
Could you please write this manual for those of us who have felt the touch of a woman.
And finally….
Does this have to be so difficult?
Does this have to be so difficult?
Does THIS have to be so difficult?
You really want to move some merchandise, you really want me to purchase yet another copy of “The Searchers” or “Darkness on the Edge of Town” because the latest digital wowser you came up with really is like experiencing it again for the first time? Then I suggest that the same amount of impressive brainpower you put into creating whatever this thing is, you also put into … simplifying it.
Plug it in.
Turn it on.
Enjoy it.
Think toaster.
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