The Jokes You Didn't Hear: Backstage with 'Seth Meyers' at the WHCD!

If you look over Seth Meyers’ IMDB page, he isn’t listed as a writer or performer in any of the high-profile celebrity roasts on Comedy Central. From his performance at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner last Saturday, it’s rather obvious why. In a role that traditionally sends up the Commander-in-Chief, the closest Meyers came to skewering Obama was making a remark about him not being as inspirational as he was in his 2008 campaign, and, of course, turning it into a joke about how white the Tea Party is (to which the virtually all-white crowd applauded uproariously).

What really upset me about Meyers, and all progressive “comedians,” is that their kid-glove treatment of Obama isn’t just because they have a condescending view of him– that he can’t take it. If you listen to the rest of his speech, Meyers is a Racer— an individual who sees race and racism where it is irrelevant or not present at all– so, since he attributes virtually all political motivation to race, he avoids offending Obama because he thinks that, as a black man, Obama can’t handle a roasting. Note how his Republican targets don’t include Allen West or Herman Cain; Meyers the Racer only goes after whites because he thinks that only they have the ability to withstand jokes at their expense.

Now, to give Meyers credit, the jokes he made onstage weren’t the worst jokes he came up with. Yes, that’s right; we’ve “Breitbarted” him with a hidden camera video sent to us by an anonymous celebrity journalist citizen journalist. We’re currently working on digitally doctoring all cuts in the video so that it looks like one continuous take without any selective editing (the lifeblood of all content at the Bigs), but before that’s ready, here are some highlights of the “jokes” Meyers almost used onstage:

  • So, have you heard about those Republicans? Yeah, I hate them and I think they’re stupid.
  • The funniest thing about Obama is how SO MANY people don’t get how cool and smart and physically attractive he is.
  • Q: Why did the blonde get confused by an ordinary household object? A: Cuz she was a Republican. And Republicans are stupid.
  • “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Republicans.” “Republicans who?” “Republicans sure are stupid and evil.”
  • So, a Republican walks into a bar, and I get super upset.
  • A black man, a Hispanic, and a Jew enter a bar. They all say in turn, “Voting Republican would make us traitors to our races!”
  • So, what’s the deal with the Tea Party? Is it racist, or is it SUPER racist?

  • So Obama walks into a bar, and NOT EVERYONE pulls out their kneepads and mouthwash. CRAZY, right?
  • Republicans believe in global warming so little, they recently caused a record number of deaths with tornadoes.
  • What did the Republican say to the other Republican? “Let’s go oppress the brown and poor people!”
  • A horse walks into a bar; the bartender says “Why the long face?” The horse responds, “Because Republicans still exist in this world.”
  • Q: What’s worse than Donald Trump? A: The Holocaust. …Maybe.
  • I would so love to call Herman Cain an Uncle Tom, but mentioning him invalidates my joke about the Tea Party’s whiteness.
  • None of you in the audience (nor I myself) have read the details of Ryan’s budget, but what’s the deal with him plotting to murder senior citizens?
  • [talking to self] Man, I’m gonna kill out there. Just imagine the hilarity these people could have experienced if I got to play President Kerry for the past six years on SNL.
  • What do you get when you cross Almighty God with a sexy supermodel? Barack Obama.
  • A dyslexic man walks into a bar, but his learning disability doesn’t prevent him from righteous hatred of Donald Trump.
  • How do you stop a black person from drowning? Vote Republicans out of office.
  • Chuck Norris walks into a bar. He associates himself politically with Republicans, so wouldn’t it be great to roundhouse kick him?
  • The Heritage Foundation made this prediction about Obama’s budget. DO NOT TRUST THEM. REPORT SUSPICIOUS BEHAVIOR.
  • Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven would vote for Sarah Palin in a general election.
  • What’s the difference between a fascist, eugenicist police state and Paul Ryan’s budget? Nothing!
  • What did the organized laborer say to the other organized laborer? “I’m being starved to death by James O’Keefe!”
  • What’d Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile? “I’m sure glad Obama’s using the power of his Presidency to enforce better fuel economy standards.”
  • A reasonable, educated man walks into a bar, and he opines on the greatness of Barack Obama’s leadership.
  • What do you call a black man serving as the leader of the free world? A victim of racism.
  • How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? Like a bajillion, cuz they’re SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stupid.
  • What’s more racist than wanting to vote for Donald Trump? Institutionalized slavery. …Maybe.
  • Fox News only hires women for their looks. [at this point, a self-aware person in the room pipes up: “Um do we really have a leg to stand on, saying that when you’re the head writer for SNL? I mean, Casey Wilson was slightly overweight and was fired after 1 season, and Tina Fey had to lose about 35 pounds before Lorne would let her become a performer.”] Hmm… No, I think I’ll still run with that one.
  • The only thing more beautiful and enlightened and charismatic and Presidential than Barack Obama is Michelle Obama.
  • A blond, a brunette, & a redhead got together and disfigured Michelle Bachmann’s face with acid, and it was awesome.
  • Trump is running for President as a joke, TOTALLY unlike how I’m branding myself as a legit comedic news commentator.
  • Everything that’s wrong and unjust in this world is embodied by Ginni Thomas leaving a voice mail.
  • Mr. President, look at your hair. If it gets any whiter– OH MY GAWD IT’S WHITE LIKE THE TEA PARTY WHICH IS RACIST AND WHITE.
  • What did Donald Trump say to his minority employees? Now that I’m running against Obama, I hate you, and I’m full of prejudice.
  • A blonde walks into a voting booth and votes for a Democrat, because she’s so stupid she couldn’t vote for the right party that she’s been brainwashed to support.
  • Hey guys, hey guys. I bet Republicans all have Zunes instead of iPods, cuz they don’t keep up with trends like us.
  • Andrew Breitbart is crazy. That’s a true and funny joke because I’m a licensed psychologist.
  • Obama banned a San Francisco reporter from his press pool for taking a smartphone video of anti-war protestors? Psh! That’s nowhere as funny or relevant as the New York Time’s paywall!
  • [preparing his opening] I assure that no matter how harsh the jokes, they’re all about people who aren’t actually controlling our government.
  • At MSNBC parties, Obama makes Kool-Aid and everyone drinks it. However, I don’t drink it– I freaking GUZZLE that stuff.
  • What’s racist, sexist, and won’t ever get a smidgen of empathy or respect from me? A Republican.
  • Who’s a Birther? Donald Trump. Who else? All of the GOP. Who else? Fox News. Who else? The Tea Party. I AM SO FUNNY.
  • [And finally…] Take my dignity… please.

Ed. Note: For the humor-impaired, this post is a completely made up piece of fiction. I now return you to your joylessness. — JN


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