Being a conservative in Hollywood is much like getting your face tattooed in college; it’s a lot of fun if you never want a career.
Throughout the three-year history of this space, we’ve posted countless stories about the Hollywood blacklist. In the American capital of free speech and tolerance, conservative leanings are tantamount to career suicide.
We know most Hollywood conservatives keep it in the closet, but it turns out there is one secret far more dangerous — a secret so closely guarded among the trade unions, a lawsuit was filed to prevent a website from leaking the data. That big secret is actors’ real birth dates.
As movie audiences have become younger, movie roles for the elderly have become quite sparse. Being a Hollywood star is a really sweet gig, kinda like being a rock star in normal clothes. Who would ever want to give it up just because Father Time is sounding the gong? It’s a lot like the new film ‘In Time,’ where you’re dead at twenty six unless you have enough money to fix yourself.
Through the use of computer graphics, actors can still be action heroes long after receiving their AARP cards, and thanks to high-tech plastic surgery, actresses who should be eating brunch with a host of ladies in red hats can still work nude. So when IMDB started publishing birth dates on the Internet, well, you can just imagine the chaos that ensued.
In a town where a woman like Cher (born May 20, 1946) still wants to play a single mom, revealing birth dates can be tragic.
Adult teenagers have been the norm in Hollywood since a middle-aged Mickey Rooney (born September 23, 1920) took Judy Garland (born June 10, 1922) to the high school dance. The trend continues today with women old enough to be mothers playing sisters and women old enough to be grandmothers still playing mothers.
Hollywood is like a living, breathing, version of ‘Twilight,’ where actors are eternally the same age, and high school politics have deadly consequence. Perhaps that’s the reason why conservatism is loathed in Hollywood. It’s associated with previous generations, and those who subscribe to it are revealing their true age. An obvious tell that a teenager might really be a vampire is an affection for Buddy Holly music.
The funniest irony about this scandal: it wasn’t too long ago, actors were linking up behind Julian Assange (born July 3, 1971) like a human centipede. They applauded the WikiLeaker’s brave stance, publishing information they thought was public domain on the Internet (although not many of them were thrilled when they learned their latest blockbuster was available on the Internet as well).
Michael Moore (born April 23, 1954) even choked up bail for Assange. Steven Spielberg (born December 18, 1946) offered to do a movie about his heroics. Everyone speculated that Sean Penn (born August 17, 1960) should play him and that Susan Sarandon (born October 4, 1946) should be cast as his mother, Christine (born 1951).
These people delight in sharing every intimate detail of their lives on tabloid pages, but a secret like how many birthday candles they’ve blown out in their lifetime is just intolerable. Something that is trivial to most Americans is garlic to the immortal vampires of Hollywood. It’s quite telling that our nation’s security is not as important to these people as their own vanity. They would rather see the nation fall to terrorists than let you know their real age.
That’s something that should be remembered by anyone who seeks Hollywood endorsements as voting criteria.