Gut Check: Fifteen Meaningless Questions About Music

1. Can anyone tell me what happened to the members of Screaming Blue Messiahs? Primarily the singer/guitarist Bill Carter? There is a performer named Bill Carter, but it’s not THAT Bill Carter. I am obsessed with this band and am entirely impressed that the internet offers me no clue to finding out where the coolest, creepiest bandleader of the late 1980’s went off to (I think he’s a monk).

2. Can anyone defy my claim that The Director’s Cut by the metal super group Fantômas is not the best metal album of the last two decades? Can you defy that claim after listening to this song: 
   

   If you can defy that claim, then you win a special sock, which I will leave somewhere in Manhattan, on a bench. Filled with jam.

3. Why hasn’t either Bono or Rick Rubin decided to produce the next Torche album and turn them into the massive arena band they are born to become? I think that’s a swell idea. But I have a lot of swell ideas that nobody listens to. So I won’t feel bad if you disagree with me (jerk).

4. On a related note, why is it so hard to find Torche guitarist Andrew Elstner’s Tilts record (other than here)? It’s the best damn rock record of the last few years, but why isn’t it on ITunes? It sounds like a hard rock Badfinger. I want to play it on the Five and I can’t find the studio versions even on YouTube. I am an old man.

5. Does anyone know how Poison Ivy from the Cramps is doing? I think about her from time to time. She was a nice lady. I don’t want to disturb her, but I’m wondering if she’s playing music anymore and with whom. It’s hard to Google her, because all you get are medical websites, and I end up staying on them for hours, diagnosing my rashes and blisters.

6. People ask me why I say that the Melvins’ song “Honeybucket” is the best hard rock song ever. Here’s why:
   

   Play it and right around 1:04 – when everything kicks in – it’s brutal evidence that no one knows a groove like the Melvins. I’ve played this song more than any song in my lifetime. And that includes Ray Steven’s “Guitarzan.”

7. Tobacco is the next big genius in music. But do you know why? That’s not a question for me really, but a question for America, and possibly Belgium. I will provide you with evidence. This song, called “Overheater,” can be played to any video and change that video forever. Check it out here:
   

   Then, check it out here:  

   See what I mean? I am convinced that Tobacco has invented a new form of music. If I could describe what that music is, I would be working at Pitchfork, and be completely miserable. Or at Stereogum, and then be really really miserable.

8. John Grant’s new record came out, and it’s not as instantly accessible as Queen of Denmark. But this title song from the new one might be the best damn song of the summer. Do you agree?
   

   Best voice in rock since Mike Patton.

9. The other candidate for best song of the summer goes to the Melvins for this lovely song:
   

   This is the perfect song for shooting pool to, even if you don’t have a pool table. Just pretend. I do. I use a rake and a bath mat.

10. Is it wrong for a pudgy 48-year old male to dance drunkenly to Grimes? It’s hard not to, especially if you’re drunk. Try to sit still while listening to this:
    

    Her voice can be kind of annoying at first, but then it becomes kind of less annoying.

11. Whenever people talk about Joe Strummer, they forget this awesome song from the Sid and Nancy soundtrack. It’s called “Love Kills.” Do you remember it? I do.
    

12. What’s your favorite Slayer record and why?

13. What’s your favorite Fall record? Mine is “This Nation’s Saving Grace.” And my favorite Fall song is this:  
    

    Incidentally, Mark E. Smith seems like a really scary person.

14. Do you really think the Doors were that great? Wasn’t the band X better? I mean, the Doors did nothing as invigorating as this: 
    

    And isn’t Billy Zoom the coolest guitarist ever?

15. I love Andy Stott. Don’t you think his music was made perfectly for train travel? I believe so, and if you don’t believe me, you’re probably a socialist. Listen to this the next time you’re on any kind of public transportation that takes you through desolate surroundings. 
    

 Goodbye.