REP. CHARLES RANGEL: Good morning, kids. I’m your Uncle Chollie in Washington. I help your Uncle Sam take care of you and your family. Today, I’m here to introduce a very special person. He’ll explain how you–our youngest citizens–can partner with him to make America a country we can all be proud of once more. Or for the first time. Whatever. Girls and boys, the President of the United States.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Thanks, Uncle Chollie. Hi kids, it’s me, President Obama. I enjoyed our visit last year. Lots of your teachers asked if I would speak again this year, preferably for the last hour of the school day every Friday until June. I’ve agreed, because I know how much you need your sleep.
Don’t worry, I’ll still have plenty of time to fix the broken country George Bush left me. Like my Saturday radio speeches to grownups, these talks are all taped in advance when I’m not playing golf, so all I do is read what somebody else wrote and then I read it off these marvelous inventions we call TelePrompters.
Anyway, in weeks to come, we’ll discuss fun topics like Hot Czars™, the souped-up, small-scale vehicles my Michigan auto company will build for kids who are into power trips; and we’ll play Tic Tax Dough, a new Monopoly-like board game developed by a youngster in my cabinet named Timmy Geithner. A special treat: the First Lady will sub for me one day next month and tell you a story about the Keebler Elf‘s plans to turn you into a gobblin’.
OK if I get serious for a few minutes? Last year, when folks were in a better mood, I spoke about the importance of a good education and setting high goals for yourselves. Today, with so many people talking about me like a dog, I’ve decided to begin with a down-to-earth discussion of what adults call “politics.”
Most of you probably already know whether your Mom and her partner are Democrats or Republicans. If they’re Democrats, they’ve taught you that a powerful government will watch over you all your life in exchange for your loyalty and just about every dime you make. If they’re Republicans, they’ve taught you to be self-reliant, thrifty and privately generous, which is hurtful to the millions of people who work for our wonderful bureaucracy and are only trying to help the poor and less fortunate.
Whatever their party, no problem. This is America, for now. However, when grown-ups criticize me, it doesn’t matter whether they’re Democrats or Republicans. It’s wrong. It hurts my self-esteem and makes me lash out. You really don’t want a president who has thousands of nuclear weapons pouting, now do you?
I know, you’re just kids — how you can stop adults from talking trash about me? One way: act out. For example, elementary schoolers can put salt in the sugar bowl. Or run away from home. Junior and high school students, flip the grownups a sneaky bird. (Check out my technique on YouTube.) Or program a parental block on Fox News, NFL games, and Dancing with the Stars.
Sure, these actions may have consequences — for you. But if you are punished for defending me, your free speech rights have been violated, and you are a victim of domestic political abuse. Don’t remain silent. Tell a teacher. Tell a coach. Tell a TelePrompter and believe me, I’ll hear about it. Or read about it. Same thing.
Let’s talk about money briefly. If you’re lucky, Mom and her partner support you and your brothers and sisters. Well, Mrs. Obama and I are like your second set of parents. As president, I give you tons of cool stuff you probably take for granted: school lunches and buses and nice roads and beautiful parks and food stamps and weather forecasts, and so on. These goodies aren’t free: I pay for them. So, where do I get the money?
Actually, most of it comes from your folks. Just like you, they give me an allowance. Is your allowance enough to do what you want? Neither is mine. So pretty soon, I’ll be asking your Mom and Dad to make some sacrifices – like canceling that trip to Vegas, where they were just going to blow the rent money anyway – and increase my allowance.
I know you wish you could do more to help. Uncle Chollie and his friends Harry and Nancy are working on that. In a few weeks, they’ll pass the “Motor Scooter Act,” a law giving kids from first grade up the right to register and vote at school the day before elections. You’re never too young to participate in the “Democratic” process. Ha ha.
For now, here’s another way to help: pretty soon, classrooms across America will be visited by people who represent someone named Mr. Gallup. They’ll ask you questions. Your teachers will give you these questions ahead of time, as well as the correct answers. It’ll count as a major test grade.
Well, that’s enough for today. For show-and-tell next week, I’ll bring along a copy of our dead constitution and two guests, Dr. Kagan and Dr. Sotomayor, who’ll explain how they intend to breathe new life into this decaying charter of negative liberties.
See you soon.
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