SEATTLE,WA (UIP)—In a shocking move considering the lockout of the NFL right now, the owner of the Seattle Seahawks agreed to a sudden change of mind and will sell his team to controversial talk show host Rush Limbaugh.
Paul Allen said, “the team would be in good hands with Limbaugh even though he has said all those racist things in the past, and he doesn’t like turtles on his beach.”
“We sat down together here on the west coast last night and Rush brought along some of that Tea and all problems were forgotten. The team is his. Now he can worry about the lockout,” said Allen. “I’ve ordered 10,000 cases of Tea and my yacht will be launched in the morning. I hope I have some left for the people of Burma.”
“Sure, this is a difficult moment, but trying this Tea has made it all better,” continued Allen.
Rush—who is spending time this week in LA on business thought it would take much longer to buy the franchise, “It all happened so quickly, maybe it actually was the Two if by Tea,” snorted Limbaugh through his large, cancer producing, arrogant cigar that may have been illegal to be smoked on the sidewalk.
The Players Union has ordered 5000 cases and they will not say if they like the stuff until their agents instruct them….and the rest of the owners say they will try some and see what their marketing guys think. Media, who have tried the tea say that the harmony they feel after they tried the tea will most certainly end the lockout.
Two bitter rivals at the local TV affiliates here in Seattle shared their camera gear and were seen walking off together, giggling as they headed toward their love—er LIVE truck. They were heard mumbling, “what is this stuff? It tastes great, you feel great.”
Limbaugh announced his new product just last week, “Two if By Tea” So far, everybody who has tried it has enjoyed it, but we here in the Seattle PI newroom are cynical. We have only coffee, and that’s a 50 year tradition that is unbreakable.We don’t like change, we have a template to follow.
Limbaugh also announced the Seahawks are changing their names to the TEAhawks and their uniforms will have a Paul Revere look to them. The players do not have to wear the traditionaal British lace, Limbaugh said because it will make them easier to tackle and they will look silly. Sources tell us Sarah Palin will be working on some of the fashion designs with the new uniforms and will also be in charge of running strength and endurance drills.
The owners have an emergency conference call scheduled for tomorrow to consider the name change and Limbaugh has offered to provide the refreshments. Approval of Limbaugh’s ownership is a slam dunk—they just want to check on the name change and try some of the tea themselves. Two if By Tea trucks were seen pouring into NFL cities around the country. One owner said, How does it taste with Bourbon?”
More to come on this developing story—but it looks likely now that “Two if By Tea” has saved the NFL season and Seattle will just have to get used to it’s new name. The TeaHawks—and the SeaGals will now presumably be the TeaGals.
Word has reached the White House on this amazing product and we understand shipments have been made to DC. More on Presidential reaction tomorrow.