Sources inside the Romney campaign indicate that the Republican nominee will drop all pretense in his address tonight to his party’s convention, and admit the truth of several allegations that the mainstream media has been pressing him to concede. These include plans to revoke the 13th Amendment, eliminating the first obstacle to returning blacks to slavery. Romney will also detain all women present at the speech as prisoners-of-war.
In a nod to increased media speculation about Romney’s Mormon faith–even though Obama’s participation in the racist church of Jeremiah Wright was not a focus at the Democratic National Convention four years ago–Romney plans to re-introduce Ann Romney as the second of his three wives. Sources indicate that her refusal to describe her marriage as “storybook” earlier this week was, in fact, a coded Mormon message.
Romney also plans to release his tax returns in their entirety, going back more than two decades. Convention organizers also confirmed to Breitbart News that the red, white, and blue balloons that traditionally rain down upon the nominee will be replaced by the 237,456 pages of Romney’s tax returns accompanied by combined financial statements from Bain Capital. Dozens of journalists are already jockeying for the scramble to follow.
Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL), the Tea Party-backed rising star who was to have introduced Romney, has been replaced in the program. In his stead, running mate Paul Ryan will take the stage to reprise his speech from the night before–this time, however, admitting virtually every assertion of fact as a bald-faced lie. Sources would not confirm a rumor that Ryan will, at some point, shove his mother off the stage in a symbolic gesture.
In addition, Condoleezza Rice, who inspired the Republican delegates with her story of overcoming racial segregation to climb the heights of American politics, will introduce a new Romney campaign video, tentatively entitled “Tokens,” and narrated by former Rep. Artur Davis. (Most networks have already planned to air the video; however, MSNBC is refusing to do so, citing its policy of not featuring black Republicans for any reason.)
Several new speakers have also been announced. “Mystery” speaker Clint Eastwood will appear in character as Dirty Harry, and fire several random shots into the audience. A young Teach for America volunteer will also speak–and will be beaten brutally by New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, in deference to media requests that he be more aggressive to appease the bloodthirsty Republicans in their anti-government, anti-education fervor.
Amidst the serious themes, there will be some fun and games: Tampa’s famed cigar-rollers have produced a giant replica of Barack Obama’s long-form birth certificate, which will be ritually burned as a protest against global warming (the theory, not the phenomenon itself). Sarah Palin will also appear via satellite, waist deep in flooded Louisiana waters, where she and her family are fishing for drowned black people.
The national debt clock, which has been mounted above the stage and is set to reach $16 trillion in the midst of Romney’s address, will become a national jackpot, with one lucky corporation walking home a winner. Romney will conclude his address to the nation by exhorting Americans to re-elect President Obama: “We don’t need one more black person in Chicago on welfare.” Chris Matthews is said to be tingling already.