Sad news from the state whose license plate motto is “Stamped By A Former Governor”: former U.S. Congressman Jesse “Bud Man” Jackson Jr. has reached an agreement with federal prosecutors to plead guilty to charges of misuse of campaign funds.
I will pause momentarily that you may recover from the shock.
When last seen, you may recall this dynamic South Side solon was relaxing in the loony bin while cruising to a 40 point re-election landslide victory. A brief inventory of his illegally-obtained loot included a $43,000 Rolex (to keep punctual for appointments), $5000 fur capes and parkas (to brave Chicago’s chilly winters), and $34,000 worth of Bruce Lee and Michael Jackson memorabilia. Classy! Maybe he can be an interior decorator after parole.
Normally a politician’s wife faces mortifying embarrassment after these kinds of incidences, but luckily Jesse Jr.’s better half Sandy Jackson will be serving a parallel sentence in the Ladies’ Big House for her role in the daring international heist of Michael Jackson’s hat.
Competition for Jesse’s 2nd district congressional seat is expected to be intense, with Mel Reynolds expected to make a strong challenge. Mel, you may remember, was Jesse’s IL-02 predecessor in Washington, until he was shipped to prison for statutory rape of a teenage campaign worker. Preceding him was the Jew-hatin’, Peace Corps worker-rapin’ bon vivant Gus Savage.
But don’t feel too bad for Jesse as he’s inducted into the Illinois Government Hall of Fame, a/k/a Marion Federal Lockup. There’s extra room thanks to the recent release of former IL governor George Ryan, and former governor Rod Blagojevich can spot him on the exercise yard bench press (fun fact: since 1960, the state of Illinois has elected 24 years worth of governors who have gone to prison). And, for protection, Jesse can join Illinois government’s own prison gang, the notorious Greased Palm Disciples! Members include Otto Kerner, Dan Walker, Dan Rostenkowski, Tony Rezko, Stuart Levine, Ike Carothers, “Fast Eddie” Vrdolyak, Virgil Jones, Scott Fawell, Bobby Sorich, Jimmy Laski, Al Sanchez, James Duff, Arthur “Ron” Swanson, Nicky Blase, John Briatta, John Harris, Pat Slattery, Danny Katalinik, and Billy “Hollywood” Cellini, and Alexi Giannoulias’ Broadway Bank Heist Gang to name just a very, very few.
And for Mrs. Jackson, there’s a women’s auxiliary in the Gals Penitentiary, including Betty Loren-Maltese, Julie Starsiak, Arenda Troutman, and Rita Crundwell. Wwwrowwr! Caged Heat!
Isn’t it comforting to know President Obama is so above reproach that he was able to maintain friendships and connections with all of them without the slightest hint of inpropriety?
As for Jesse Jr., he may have the last laugh. Illinois is so broke it may have to close his prison down!